How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love With You

Step One: Always be armed.
Boys (hereafter referred to as twits) can be perfectly delightful. But sometimes before their strange, lusty feelings can turn into love, they must be tamed. So if he tries anything stupid, whip out the mace and spray. He’ll learn soon enough that looksies, no feelsies, is an important rule on a first date.

Step Two: Be of the female gender.
Twits, especially desperate ones, will go after anything that looks remotely like a female human. Recently, some relatively hairless monkeys have brought forward sexual assault charges against twits. So tart yourself up in your best (shortest) skirt. It’s easy, you probably don’t even have to shave. And don’t forget your mace.

Step Three: Don’t blink.
Twits like big round things. But some of the most important big round things are passed over in favor of more obvious ones. Eyes are round, and they can, with the proper techniques, be made big. Just don’t blink. In just a few short minutes, your eyes will become dry enough that your lids will stick to them, allowing for carefree doe-eyes for hours on end.

More to come…