How to Be a Champ

Step One: Say Excuse Me.

After you burp: “Excuse me.”
After (or before) you make an offensive comment: “Excuse me.”
After pushing someone out of your way: “Excuse me.”
After accidentally shoving the elderly to the ground: “Mah baad.”
After punching someone in the neck (on accident of course, you were just stretching): “Pardon.”
Make sure you never stop to actually apologize, as they’ll probably feel embarassed or be overcome by your greatness.

Step Two: Recline Your Seat on the Airplane
Plane seats were made to recline specifically for your pleasure. Everyone should understand that you’re much more tired and uncomfortable than they are, so don’t worry about asking permission. Assume permission. You worry about yourself all day, why should you be responsible for worrying about others? You’re on this plane to relax. You might not have time when you get to the Cayman Islands, so make sure you do it here. Go on, lean back. And if you’re searching for extra champ points, don’t hesitate to put your feet up. The guy in front of you won’t mind.

Step Three: Interrupt. Constantly.
They invited you to this party, they should let you be the star. Why are they still talking? Cut them off, show them who’s boss. Why would they want to talk about their wedding when they could hear about your honors student?
It’s especially important to show newcomers your ringleader status, so whenever they speak, make a sarcastic comment (preferrably about how little money they make) and move on to what they really need to know about: You.

More to come…

6 thoughts on “How to Be a Champ

Add yours

  1. While proceeding with step 2, must one also turn on the reading lamp without having the intention of opening a book? Food for thought.

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