Step 10: Have extremely flat chested friends.
In order to avoid the traumatizing “Your friend is hot, can I have her number?” scenario, make sure none of your friends actually are hot. They are allowed to be mildly attractive, but not as attractive as you, and definitely not sizzlin. Most twits define “hot” as “having huge chesty bits,” so beware.
When a nice girl approaches you, looking to be friends, quickly note how many of her physical features jeopardize your chances at getting a man. If there are any, kick her to the curb.
Step 11: Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen.
Twits, for some reason, hate nice girls. They dislike anyone who seems interested because they have a subconscious desire to be screwed over at every turn. Such is human nature. And though twits can hardly be called human, such is their nature too.
So don’t play nice. Don’t phone back. And don’t, under any circumstances, mention that you like him. Instead, say you have plans for the next two weekends in a row. By doing this, you make sure that you have effectively driven any nice boys away and made room for all the jerks in your life. What luck!
Step 12: Smell nice.
Use the nicest smelling shampoo you can get your hands on and make sure to swish your hair around a lot throughout the evening. You’ll snag him for sure.