Aphorisms for the Wise

Does this look like a girl to you?

Remember these simple sayings and all will be well.

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand. Except that girls aren’t like pianos, so shut up.

Beauty is variable, ugliness is constant. How depressing.

Born a saint, die a sinner. Born a sinner, die a saint. Or just be born and then DIE DIE DIE!

Nothing can come of nothing. …Wait, are you sure?

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Too bad society’s idea of catching a bird usually involves a gun.

When I get a little money, I buy books. They’re educational AND nutritious.

Be yourself because in the end that’s what people will remember about you. “Man, that Cappy sure was herself all her life…just goin’ around bein’ herself. What a selfy girl.”

When life hands you lemons, tell it to leave you alone because really…how many times have we heard this one?

And don’t forget these:

Women who say they’re naturally skinny almost always work 3x harder than you do at it.

Be who you are…and stuff.

People who talk big game rarely have ANY game.

People with big noses smell like roses.

Fingerless gloves look cool, but don’t keep your fingers warm.

Make sure you keep a bug screen on the window to your soul, especially in the summertime.

Coffee mugs are not, in fact, people who wear masks and steal your coffee.

That fly you just killed carries the black plague, MRSA, and the teachings of the devil.

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