How To Abduct People


Specifically, how to abduct your best friend who is going off to college without you.

Step 1: Enlist other best friend to help snatch him in her big car.
Big car + semi-small friend = success. Attract abductee with his favorite cologne (waft it through the air near his bedroom window or advertise that its on sale). Once he’s been drawn outside, jump him. Armed with bungee cords, you and your other friend should then tie him up and throw him in the trunk.

Step 2: Put him under your bed.

Step 3: Make a clone to go to college in his place.
Since you’ve obviously been creating a cloning machine out of yellow paper mache and rubber bands, now’s the time to put it to use! His clone must be trained, however, so you’ll have to spend a couple days teaching it  how to laugh like a dude, pick out dude-ish outfits, and be an all around snazzy chap. Because if the abductee didn’t have at least one good quality, you wouldn’t have had to abduct him in the first place…

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