1. When we like you, we analyze every conversation we have with you – past and present. And usually we make up conversations we hope to have in the future.
Anything vague that you say is thought about, analyzed, pulled apart, and scrutinized by at least two of our friends. If we’re close with another guy, we ask him too. Every sentence you utter/write/email/text will be dissected and rearranged until it no longer makes sense.
2. When we like you, every girlfriend you’ve ever had becomes our mortal enemy.
Really. She becomes conniving, vengeful, and evil in our eyes. She is the spawn of the devil.
3. When we think we dislike you, everything you say makes us angry.
You become the most infuriating person on the planet. We obsess over you more than we did when we liked you. We attempt to convince ourselves that we hate you. Because we are insane.
4. Every moment we dislike you, another part of us likes you even more.
Especially when we know we shouldn’t like you but reeeeeallyyyy want to.
5. You think we never shut up? YOU NEVER SHUT UP.
We think we hate you (because you’re fools) but then you say things like “You look nice today” or “I hate you…just kidding I love you” (lame) and screw up our hating-you-plan. If you’re not going to love us, don’t speak to us, please.
6. We like it when you eat slowly.
At least act like your food isn’t going to run off your plate or explode if you don’t eat it RIGHT AWAY. Because the noises that you make when you eat that quickly make us want to throw up everywhere. Really.