Dear Alexxxxx Treeeeebek,
Next time you correct someone’s pronunciation of a French word, it’s gonna get violent, and fast. You’re obnoxious.
And you don’t know everything, even though you think you do.
Your hair freaks me out. I bet you dye it.
I don’t like when you make people feel bad for losing money or coming in 3rd place before the final round. Speaking of the final round, I have a few things I’d like to say to the Jeopardy people (that’s not you, Alex, you’re just their puppet). What is the point of the final round? I’ll answer that for you: the final round is designed to strip intelligent people of their potential winnings with one (completely impossible) question. I give an example: once upon a time, the final jeopardy question was about a phrase in the Bible. Are you aware that there are hundreds of translations of the Hebrew Bible and therefore are hundreds of possible wordings? HELLOOOOO.
So anyway, Alex. I have a few strong words for you. I’ll call you up and yell them at you later. In the meantime, I just thought I’d say that you hurt my feelings when you make nice geeky people feel bad for not being as geeky as you. But you’re not really geeky. Other geeky people give you notecards with the answers on them. And I can’t help but notice your lack of a pocket protector. Who exactly do you think you’re fooling?
Wishing you the best of retirements (please, just retire already. You’re already doing AARP commercials or something),
Cappy at Writer’s Block
P.S. I would have made this longer, but I’m scared you’ll hurt my self esteem by correcting my grammar or something.