How to Put Your Foot in Your Mouth

Step 1: Post this on your blog. Because nothing says “I am in total control of the things I say and never put my foot in my mouth” better than writing about how Elvis fans just need to get over his death – and posting it on the 33rd anniversary of the day he died.

Step 2: Ask overweight women if they’re pregnant.
I actually haven’t done this. It’s one of the few stupid things I haven’t said/asked, but I know of plenty of people who have. So just don’t ask anyone if they’re pregnant. Women in the grocery store don’t need to be asked when their baby is due, especially if their baby is, in reality, just a food baby or something. For all you know, you could be asking an obese, infertile woman when her baby’s due, causing her to be the saddest woman on the planet because a) she is overweight and b) she can’t have the baby she’s always wanted because she’s infertile. Sad. Don’t make people sad.

Step 3: Talk about girls to their boyfriends.
This can go a couple ways.
A) You are a guy and talk to another guy about how hot that girl over there is. You don’t know that the other guy is her boyfriend. You are informed of this by a swift kick to the face by boyfriend man.
B) You are a girl and really like a guy. You decide to show him how much better you are than that girl over there, so you trash talk her. You then find out that no, he is not single and yes, you are a prize fool.
C) This is a slight variation on part A, in that you talk to a guy about how many times you’ve gotten it on with that girl over there. You are not made aware that the guy is her boyfriend because he’s silently plotting ways to kill you slowly and painfully. If I were you, I’d invest in some serious pepper spray and/or a machete, because at this point your foot is so far in your mouth that you’re practically digesting it.

Step 4: Randomly decide you love someone and then tell them.
I haven’t done this. I swear. Okay, I’ve totally¬†done this…about a million times in 7th grade. Those were hard times. Hard times that will NEVER be mentioned again under penalty of death, okay? I’m pouring my soul out to the entire blogging world, so just cut me some slack.

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9 thoughts on “How to Put Your Foot in Your Mouth

  1. A girl I know told me she had been offered a seat by a bloke who thought she was pregnant and well, she’s definitely NOT. She seemed to be very amused by it. I would have punched him (and then gone home to do sit ups ha)

  2. Yep, I’ve asked my sister if she was pregnant when she wasn’t, which didn’t sit well. Periodically, she brings it up when she is in her, am I fat mode.

  3. Speaking of Elvis, you’ll notice that everyone impersonates Fat Elvis. You never see anyone attempt to impersonate Skinny Elvis. That’s because Fat Elvis was a characature, and anybody can do him. (“Thank ya. Thankyavurymuch.”) Skinny Elvis, though, he was something else.

    Also, asking a woman if she’s pregnant is like sticking a fork in a toaster when it’s still plugged in. It’s just something you shouldn’t ever do, ever.

    I like the blog.

  4. Hey cappy! I see your blog has soared sky-high. *grumble grumble etc. etc.* I’m Freshly Re-ImPressed. :)
    Nasty bloggers like me still languish on the dark side of the moon you know. :P
    Ah, the Steps. I heart them steps.
    Do people really ask random obese people if their pregnant? :O WHAT IF you mistook a random obese guy with a ponytail for a female and THEN popped the question? Would that be excretion of your fully digested foot?
    Btw, wouldn’t you be required to consume psychedelic drugs before proceeding with step 4?

  5. Pingback: 3 Things NEVER to Say in a Meeting… and What to Say Instead

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