Step 1: Post this on your blog. Because nothing says “I am in total control of the things I say and never put my foot in my mouth” better than writing about how Elvis fans just need to get over his death – and posting it on the 33rd anniversary of the day he died.
Step 2: Ask overweight women if they’re pregnant.
I actually haven’t done this. It’s one of the few stupid things I haven’t said/asked, but I know of plenty of people who have. So just don’t ask anyone if they’re pregnant. Women in the grocery store don’t need to be asked when their baby is due, especially if their baby is, in reality, just a food baby or something. For all you know, you could be asking an obese, infertile woman when her baby’s due, causing her to be the saddest woman on the planet because a) she is overweight and b) she can’t have the baby she’s always wanted because she’s infertile. Sad. Don’t make people sad.
Step 3: Talk about girls to their boyfriends.
This can go a couple ways.
A) You are a guy and talk to another guy about how hot that girl over there is. You don’t know that the other guy is her boyfriend. You are informed of this by a swift kick to the face by boyfriend man.
B) You are a girl and really like a guy. You decide to show him how much better you are than that girl over there, so you trash talk her. You then find out that no, he is not single and yes, you are a prize fool.
C) This is a slight variation on part A, in that you talk to a guy about how many times you’ve gotten it on with that girl over there. You are not made aware that the guy is her boyfriend because he’s silently plotting ways to kill you slowly and painfully. If I were you, I’d invest in some serious pepper spray and/or a machete, because at this point your foot is so far in your mouth that you’re practically digesting it.
Step 4: Randomly decide you love someone and then tell them.
I haven’t done this. I swear. Okay, I’ve totally done this…about a million times in 7th grade. Those were hard times. Hard times that will NEVER be mentioned again under penalty of death, okay? I’m pouring my soul out to the entire blogging world, so just cut me some slack.