How to Stay Thin

You're gonna want to focus on the "thin" part, not the "big."

1. While cleaning, play music.
Some people prefer funk, some like classical (though how you’re supposed to dance enough to burn calories I don’t know), and some like hip hop. I, however, am partial to blasting Nirvana/Smashing Pumpkins/The Strokes and jumping around singing until I can barely walk. That, my friends, is exercise. 

2. Eat only blue foods.
Let me give you a hint: there are about two naturally occurring, edible blue foods on the planet – blueberries and…something else. 

3. Find the planet’s second blue food.
Take a hike across some tropical island in search of this mysterious food. You’ll burn calories quickly, plus you’ll have that mystery food to look forward to. Just make sure it isn’t poisonous. And if it turns out to be, induce vomiting immediately…that should help you lose a pound or two. 

4. Look in the mirror and trash talk your love handles.
“You worthless pieces of flab! I don’t need you! You are WORTHLESS! WORTHLESS! I bet you think you can just cling onto me for support forever. Well think again, flabbies!”
They’ll be so depressed that they’ll immediately detach themselves from your body and hide under a rock. 

4. Fidget.
A lot. Tap your toes, fingers, feet, whatever. Do it constantly, and you’ll eventually lose like…one pound. Congrats! You are officially an idiot for listening to me. And now you look like a crack addict. 

This is your ideal body type, right?

5. Get yourself addicted to crack.
Crack whores = sexy. And if you live anywhere on this planet, you’ve seen one. They have skinny arms and skinny legs and skinny everything. They probably even have skinny hair. Ever heard of Skinny Cow ice cream products? Yeah, that cow’s on crack. And Skinny Girl Margaritas? Maybe you should get yourself some of those too…
Please, go find yourself a cocaine dealer and get smokin, cuz you could really stand to lose a few…
Go on. You know you want to.

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17 thoughts on “How to Stay Thin

  1. Ever had blue potatoes? They’re more blue-purpleish, but then, so are blueberries. Chows (the dogs) have blue tongues, so I guess if you wanted to cook up a dog tongue, it’d technically be food. Blue cheese is gross. And really that’s just blue mold on white cheese. Blue is undoubtedly the best flavor for candy. Except in Starbursts, then pink is the best flavor. Banana is the worst flavor there is for candy. But banana isn’t a color. I like blue. My carpet is blue. So are my shoes. I would do crack if they had blue flavored crack. But now I’m rambling. Shit.

  2. I had roasted blue<purplish Peruvian potatoes tonight. The first ones that I have picked from my garden and this is the first year I have planted them. They were more purple than blue, but got bluish-er when roasted. They tasted just like potatoes, not at all like Smurfs, how weird. It was the very first time I have ever eaten purple-blue potatoes, they were delicious and according to the internet, much healthier than other kinds. The whole months long ongoing process of planting, mulching, weeding, watering, and etcetering garden type stuff is exercise, though so is hitching up the dogsled team to go down the glacier, then kayaking across the bay to the Trading Post to buy groceries.

  3. So that’s what it takes, crack? I wish I’d thought about that earlier. Thanks for the tip ;)

    Hahaha! You are hilarious xDD

    Hope you don’t mind me subscribing to this addictive blog.

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