How to Make Friends

1. Compliment someone you think seems nice. Say, “Hey there. You look awesome today. I wish I looked the way you looked every day. I wish I could be you. I wish I could be your best friend. Can I be your best friend?”
That method has always worked for me…

2. You don’t want to seem too perfect, so make sure you do one thing wrong. Pick your nose in public. Make sure lots of people are watching. They’ll appreciate that you aren’t too cool for them and will totally want to be friends.

3. Be super loud. Nobody likes a quiet friend. Just shriek a lot.

4. Use pick up lines on people – you’re still trying to pick them up, just not romantically. Try a Harry Potter one: “I know we’re not in Professor Flitwick’s class, but you’re still charming.”
Don’t worry, it totally won’t creep them out.

5. You can avoid all this unnecessary dawdling by hitching up your trousers, sticking a grin on your face, and marching on over to your prospective friend. When you have reached them, present your hand for a hearty handshake. Make sure you say “Hiya!” Suspenders would be a nice touch.

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