My Mind: The Ultimate Three Ring Circus

Help.

To the blogging community (and everyone else out there, I guess): I have gone completely insane. My blogs from now until eternity will probably contain an edge of bitterness and cynicism that should not not not not not be there. Why?

Cuz I’m insane. Didn’t I already mention that?
Prepare for a ramble-fest.

My mind runs in too many circles. Props to GirlOnTheContrary for writing a similar post earlier (except not, cuz she didn’t say she’s mentally unstable, just has a crazy jumbled/crowded brain). Anyway, my mind is like a circus ring. I’m pretty sure there are elephants romping around, too. And these aren’t cute Dumbo elephants. They’re angry elephants on crack.
Don’t give elephants crack. It’s damaging to my…me-ness.

I feel like jumping around and screaming. Actually, I already did that (and blasted some Strokes and sang along until I practically passed out). Maybe I feel like doing it again.

Nothing happens to actually make me this way. I just become this way. And while I’d really like to blame it on my period, I already did a post about that…no repeat material here. I become this way because every little teeny tiny inconsequential thing that ever happens to me is immediately analyzed and then stored to the back of my brain for further analysis at random points throughout my life.

This blog is getting entirely too personal for my liking. Onward.

One time, I held hands with someone’s boyfriend. It wasn’t meant to be romantic, because I didn’t like the guy that way and it was kind of a joke but then it turned out to not feel like a joke because I liked it. Then I felt guilty for like 2 weeks because of it.
I’m not the boyfriend stealing type. There was no reason for me to feel guilty, really. I didn’t do anything, I didn’t plot to steal him away from her, I didn’t do it again, and I definitely hadn’t started it. But I couldn’t stop thinking.

One time, someone told me all their problems and that they felt sad about life (hmm, like I’m doing to you). I carried those problems around for a month before I totally flipped out and told them we couldn’t be friends anymore.
Why? Cuz I felt like cutting myself every time I heard about their sadness.
Probably not the right way to deal.

ONE TIME, I accidentally acted uninterested in what someone had to say. Then I analyzed every possible bad feeling they could’ve felt as a consequence of me not saying nice things to them. And then I felt terrible.

I don’t want to be the person who says, “I’m always so nice to everyone and I’m so empathetic that it’s just a huge burden on me.” But sometimes I am. The empathetic part, that is.
See, my point is to make everyone happy and laugh and whatnot. And while sometimes I can be really mean and sometimes I’m hard to deal with, I feel guilty about it about 3 seconds later. But because I am completely crap at communicating my feelings when I’m upset in any way, I end up making it worse. Or just sounding like an idiot.

And then I get super emotional and tell people things I shouldn’t. Like right now. But I think maybe you should know that:
One time, my brain exploded because I overthought everything until I went crazy.

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11 thoughts on “My Mind: The Ultimate Three Ring Circus

  1. Oh my word.

    You sound like me. It’s like my mind is screaming at me through your post.

    *backs away* *analyzes the fact that this could be taken the wrong way* EERGGGGSHHHNESS.

    Basically, I feel you, man.

  2. I get you because I am a lot like that. One time, I flirted outrageously with my a friend’s male friend I knew she fancied but I fancied him too and something short-circuited in my brain when seeing a nice looking man. The next day, I felt dreadful. We weren’t good friends but I am not surprised I never heard from her again. This was eons ago. Anyway, you live and learn and best thing to do is not to beat yourself up too much. About them elephants…mine are on cocaine, crack and they also smoke and drink heavily all whilst they also rollerstake…eeeek

  3. I know exactly what you are talking about. I have a tendency to say sorry for everything (even when it’s not my fault). Because after hearing the problem, my twisted brain will work and analyze a way for me to put some of the blame onto myself. And then I feel bad for not fixing it. I think that writers have this way of looking at real life situations like they look at their stories; from different points of view. And while this is awesome when trying to communicate through story, its hard on the brain and the emotions because you’ve taken on a crazy juggling act monitoring every living things feelings, leaving your own and sometimes strongest p.o.v. untouched. Is this why writers are alcoholics and loners? I’m well on my way.

    • Absolutely agreed. That’s an awesome point, because I constantly analyze how what I do will make other people feel. But I dont have any way of knowing, really, because this isn’t my story. It’s my life.
      Thanks for the comment. Hope we both figure out how to deal…I bet we’re on our way. Maybe we can (CLICHE ALERT) write our own stories and our own…wait for it…destinies. Whoa. Mind blown.

  4. Take a deep breath. It does get better. I was exactly like that at your age and now I’m old and still like that but I somehow learned to handle it in a very zen-I-do-yoga kind of way. You are normal. Everyone I know has cracked out elephants in their heads, including me. BIG HUGS.

    • Thanks. My catch-phrase has become “take a yoga breath” but I don’t think I ever do it myself.
      “I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it” – Alice in Wonderland
      GirlOnTheContrary, you so bomb. I’m hugging you back.

  5. Sounds familiar to me. Definitely something I have gone through and over a million times.

    I have reached a point that I just speak my mind. You either listen or you don’t. I don’t want to have any regrets in the end.

    I think we all have a little three ring circus going on, just different starring acts!

    Thanks for posting………..

    • Yeah, I made this pact with myself last night about how if I have an issue I just need to say it. Like if someone treats me bayud, I’ll tell them. That doesnt mean I’ll jump/cut them, I just think I need to demand some serious respect.
      I’m a blogger. I’m famous. Hello. :)
      Thanks for the comment :)

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