How to Be a Tool

Tool – A complete idiot/jerk. Usually male. Usually works out way too much and thinks he’s the hottest thing since sliced bread.
Remember when we used to say stuff like that? “Hottest thing since sliced bread.” What was hot before sliced bread? And when did sliced bread become hot?
I guess if it’s oven-fresh it can be hot…
I found this on Tool – Someone who claims to be a coffee fanatic but only buys “frappuccinos” from Starbucks. People who go to TRL. People who listen to Good Charlotte. The members of Good Charlotte.
You know you want to be one:
1. Ask a girl to take photos of you with your friends and flex the entire time.
Girls really like guys with big muscles. Unfortunately, this isn’t a very sarcastic comment. I wish it were.But girls like guys with tickets to the gun show. So when you’re posing, “joke around” by flexing those biceps.  Hopefully she won’t drop your camera as she swoons.
2. Tell girls they’re not pretty enough for you.
Because nothing turns us on better than a self-esteem “boost.” We like to be called ugly. It makes us work harder…at throwing up in the bathroom and wearing more makeup. Babe.
3. Say “that’s gay” or “that’s retarded” or just be a jerk in general.
Racial and/or gay slurs are totally acceptable in today’s society. So are derogatory comments about people with mental disabilities. Because I don’t know if you heard, but we’ve decided that the civil rights movement never happened…just like the Holocaust was a conspiracy. So say what you want. The n-word is totally okay with us……..
4. Wear your pants as low as humanly possible.
We like seeing your butt cheeks clearly defined by your underwear…underwear which MUST BE VISIBLE AT ALL TIMES!
I vote we make a new law that bans pants altogether. It’d be like a full-time pimps and hos/vicars and tarts party.
5. Gel your hair.
Pauly-D, I really love you (especially since you can make anything from “gelato!” to “cabs are here!” sound like the most exciting statement ever made), but you have the weirdest hair ever. Really.

10 thoughts on “How to Be a Tool

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  1. No.4….I saw a bloke running for the bus the other day, his jeans kept sliding almost past his arse…it was hilarious. He had to keep holding on to them so they’d not fall off…I’m all for cool fashion but low pants is just something that makes me scratch my head in puzzlement…

    1. Well yeah, it’s not like they actually make a statement…unless its the “I want to look like I recently lost 50 pounds” look…
      I love walking up stairs behind people with saggy pants. pffffff.

  2. “Tool – A complete idiot/jerk. Usually male.”
    Right away I knew this was going o be one o the best posts ever.

  3. Oh oh oh. your words of wisdom! I feel like we should cruise through the streets and look for these types of people now! It’ll happen

    1. Baby, it already does :) I point you to “I got so much more game than that!” He risked his life to yell that at us.

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