1. Live by one rule and one rule alone: Guitar should not sound melodic. There shouldn’t be any real chords like in Beatles or Stones songs, just really scary and loud guitar riffs. And solos shouldn’t have anything to do with the tune of the song but should instead show off your ability to play random notes really fast.
2. Okay, there are actually two rules…the second involves a lot of leather.
1. Constantly show off your vocal range; this is especially important if you’re singing the national anthem. Hit as many high notes as you can, but make sure you immediately follow them with low notes. Then jump back to high, make your voice quiver a little, and make the ugliest face you can. Point your hand up to the sky, hitting your final note, and…finish.
2. Wear as much lip gloss as you can possibly apply to your lips without them falling off.
1. Blow all your money on cocaine. Mmmm, nothing’s better than druggie arms.
2. Blow the little money you have left on flannel shirts. You’re not allowed to wear anything (reapeat: anything) other than flannel shirts. Okay, you can wear pants. Flannel pants, preferrably…yeah that’s a lie.
1. Look really amazing all the time.
2. Write really great music.
3. Sing me to sleep every night.
…10 points to anyone who can figure out who my favorite singer is.