Okay, more like “QUESTIONS QUESTIONS QUESTIONS!” because I’ve got some stuff I need to ask.
1. Why do I constantly crave thai food?
Really. I am so tired of waking up in the middle of the night and having the ULTIMATE HUNGER for Thai but not being able to satisfy myself (due to insufficient funds/the fact that no thai restaurant is open at 2 AM/the fact that I would probably vomit after eating spicy food at night/not feeling like getting out of bed).
2. Why are people rude to me on the phone?
Look, lady. I don’t want to catch your bad day.
I called OZ Fitness to ask if they’d like to advertise in our newspaper. The woman told me to call a different branch (where the corporate offices were located), so I did. The next woman who answered was like godzilla’s mother.
Me: Hi, this is Cappy from [insert name of publication here]. My records show that you’ve advertised in our paper before, and I’d like to talk to a manager about possibly advertising again.
Godzilla-Mama: I can tell you right now that none of us can tell you if you can advertise for us. That’s up to [enter name of some advertising agency here] to decide if we have enough funds or if we even want to advertise with you. (FIRE BREATH)
Me: Okay, could I get that number?
Godzilla-Maker: It’s [enter number here]. (At this point I’m pretty sure she was making a voodoo doll to torture me with)
Me: And that’s [enter ad agency], correct?
Godzilla’s Abusive Mother: Yes. [sigh of exasperation] (Telepathic shouting: GO AWAY, I’m not paid to deal with lowly people like you. I work at a gym! People think I’m hot!)
Me: Okay, thanks! (Telepathic shouting: IF I DIDN’T WANT YOUR BUSINESS I WOULD BE YELLING DOWN THE PHONE AT YOU AND I NEVER DO THAT!!!!!)
3. Why are people so weirded out by homosexuals?
Get with the century. They’re not gonna kill your children or tear up your marriage certificate. Just chill.
4. Why do people like Sarah Palin?
Is it because people think she’s hot? Cuz I think Obama’s kinda hot. So there.
The Palinator (I may or may not have just made that up) embodies everything I dislike:
– Politicians who pretend to be “of the people” and “down to earth” when really they spend thousands of dollars on clothes (the same red jacket, Sarah? Really? Change it up…) and are just stupid.
– People who dislike intelligent people because they say they’re snobby.
– People who hunt and say it makes them more American. There’s nothing wrong with hunting. I personally don’t want to, but I understand why people do. But PLEASE. Just because you shoot things doesn’t mean you’re more patriotic than me.
– People who write books (TWO! Two books, Sarah? Two? Overkill!) about themselves when they haven’t accomplished much but bein’ a hockey mom and being super religious. I pray to God she hired a ghost-writer because otherwise her books would go something like this:
Blah blah blah run on sentence, also, too, maverick, this great country of ours, I’m from Alaska, I am really condescending, blah.