How to Dress for Halloween

In light of the many parties you will undoubtedly attend (you cheeky minxes), I shall now bestow upon you my supreme knowledge of costumes.
I’ll start with what NOT to wear. Because I’m better at being negative.

Please refrain from any type of “slutty [insert noun here].” If you’re going to go out dressed like a prostitute, just say you’re dressed like a prostitute. Don’t try to cover it up by saying you’re a cat or a French maid or a muffin. I don’t know how anyone could make a muffin sexy, but someone should try it and send me a photo. Come to think of it, anyone who can make a muffin costume sexy should just wear it every day.
If you’re going to a dance party and you plan on gettin’ your bump on, make sure that your dress/skirt is long enough that it won’t be riding up around your neck 30 seconds into a dance. While some men you dance with may enjoy this, many will be terrified at the prospect of dancing with your panties (even if they’re only scared of what their girlfriend will say).

Wearing masks scares people. Sure, be a gorilla and wear a mask- IF you’re at a house party with seven of your closest friends. Otherwise, going to a bar/club/party with large amounts of strangers = everyone feels sketched out around you. Don’t expect to get your dance on unless your mask is off, you sketchy possible axe-murderer.

What you SHOULD wear:
Clothing. The end.
But really, there should be no undergarments showing…unless you are A) dressed as a gigantic undergarment or B) accustomed to wearing that type of outfit/are a prostitute.
Be Aphrodite or something. She’s classy. Or an old film star. Or a rocker chick – those are sexy AND they wear pants. 
Think of something really clever, like “tickled pink” (wear all pink clothes and carry a feather) or “happy hour” (wear a huge clock costume and smile a lot). That last one might be tough to dance in.

I have seen so many guys dress up as Mormons (bike helmets, skinny ties, slacks) that I don’t know what to do with myself. So maybe that costume is all the rage this year.  I’ve also seen more guidos than I would’ve liked (but if I’d seen the real Pauly D, I probably wouldn’t complain so much)…so be creative. Dress up. There is a serious problem plaguing our country: men don’t dress up as much as women do. On New Years Eve, dates in general, and Halloween, the girls always get way more into dressing up (whether in costume or just fancy clothes) than the guys. So man up, men!
I would like to say that I saw a Mr. Peanut on Saturday night and almost peed myself (kidding) in excitement. Ohh, early Halloween parties, you make me happy.

Now I’m scared that I’ll find a costume that I love that both is called “slutty [insert noun here]” AND shows my undergarments. If that happens, you can totally call me a hypocrite. Loudly.

10 thoughts on “How to Dress for Halloween

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  1. Yes, what’s with blokes wearing masks? They just look creepy and worry me…

    I dressed like a cat once, I even had a tail, but I was a classy cat not a slutty one (I think, this was about 15 years ago..hmm)

    Love Halloween!

    1. I think masks are amazing, but when people wear those creepy white hockey masks, I get weirded out. Like maybe he’ll shank me.
      Cheers! Be something cute :)

  2. This is inspired! Oh, I have so much to say about the first part! :D Mainly, that a real prostitute (at least the ones with interesting clothing choices, like Victorian prostitutes) would wear a lot more clothing than most pretend sluts today. Poser sluts. That’s pretty low. I’d be impressed if I saw someone go all out in authentic era material to dress as a prostitute. Ooo! Maybe I should be Lucy from Jekyll and Hyde just to show the poser sluts up… Anywaaaay…

    Sexy muffin. You could get a ruffly tube top that just covers the bra area and pair it with a pleated tan or white skirt. Maybe. Actually that would look more like… I have no idea. But there’s always sexy STUD muffin costume!

    Apparently, that’s supposed to be a “sexy Indian” costume. :P

    Love the “tickled pink” idea!

    1. Hahahaha how the hell did anyone come up with the idea that a feathered arm band made you indian? or native american, rather.
      That is terrifying. What if there was a breeze? It’d be all “oh hey, I was hunting deer this morning…OOPS there goes my loin cloth”

  3. It just seems like the majority of costumes out there are the “what not to wear” kind.

    I just posted two blog entries about such costumes — one for the ladies, and one for the gents:

    And that was barely scraping the surface of the stuff that’s available for your Halloweeny (dis)pleasure.

    I can just imagine hitting up parties in some of these!

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