In fact, I’m doing okay being alone. I think it’s hilarious that we say that – I’m alone just because I’m single. That seems to imply that I have no friends (ok, you got me…I don’t) or family. I’m just happily boyfriendless.
That’s not to say that if Enrique Iglesias wanted a kiss I’d deny him. I’m not completely crazy, and if someone nice was interested I wouldn’t pretend to be lesbian or tell him to hit the road. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want a boyfriend, but I guess right now I’m just not searching, and I’m happily “alone.” I think it’s something that everyone strives for and I’m glad I’ve gotten to that point (at least momentarily).
Here’s the deal. When I “like” someone and attempt to go after them, I have to watch what I say and do. I can’t be me because being fully me is a little too much for people sometimes. I’d like to think that my perfect man/soulmate would take me just as I am (extremely witty and attractive), but I highly doubt that I’ll find him at my age. There’s no point in stifling who I am so that I can get someone (who is very likely an idiot) to like me. I’ve just seen too many of my friends rearranging themselves for men. I am not a rubik’s cube.
Recently I’ve started really loving who I am. I can say whatever I want to say and not worry about how people react. I can giggle out loud (alone) in public and not care that people might think I’m delusional. I can crack crude jokes and not worry that a boyfriend would get embarassed. I don’t have to feel responsible for an extra person. I’m getting more comfortable in my own skin and don’t want to have to adjust for anyone. Relationships are about give and take, but right now I’d like to be selfish.
I think it’s strange that most people expect everyone else to be constantly searching for someone. I remember always feeling bad for people who were old and had never been married. Society has always seemed to scream at me, “SINGLE? THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!” But now I think I get it: being single (and contentedly so) means being comfortable with who you are and where you’re at. I think a huge part of being in a relationship (and having it be a success) is knowing that you could be fine alone but that you’d rather be with that other person. I’m just not at that stage yet.
The only slight fly in the ointment is, now that I’m okay with being “alone,” I forget that I’m not completely a-sexual and that guys might think I’m hitting on them (when really I just think I’m being hilarious…which I’m probably not). I’m strangely okay with that; since I’m not interested, I don’t have anything to worry about. I’m not about to monitor my actions if I don’t actually care how people take them.
How very grown-up of me.