Greetings

This is very obviously me, post-plastic surgery, with my hunky boyfriend. Obviously.

This is very obviously me, post-plastic surgery, with my hunky boyfriend. Obviously.

Dear Friends,

It’s Christmas time again, and with each passing day comes mounting anticipation for my latest novel, “Kristen Wiig Ate My Cake,” which comes out December 25. After the wild success of my autobiography (entitled “Saving Orphaned Ladybugs, and Other Things I Did In College”), my publishers wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I was forced to continue writing. Ohh, the days dragged on as I wrote, sometimes for an hour each day, revising at least twice before sending it off to print. Yes, it’s been a long two weeks of writing, but my publishers expect at least 2 million in revenue, so that should satisfy some of my newly acquired expensive tastes.

But I digress. This spring, I was fortunate enough to spend a month in the Bahamas with my male-model boyfriend Charlie, where we spent our days on the beach and our nights at the clubs with all the other really sexy people. We had a great time, but we were happy to finally come home to our posh London pad for a little relaxation before my next book tour. I spent the rest of the spring touring France, Italy, and the US and giving inspirational speeches to homeless people at charity banquets. Needless to say, they wished they were me.

I’ve learned so much from the homeless this year. I’ve learned that you ought to bathe at least once a day, unless you want to smell like rotten garbage. I’ve also learned that going days without bathing can cause massive breakouts, a serious problem among homeless English people especially (and a problem which I helped treat for hours on end at dermatology clinics – for a small fee, of course). Most importantly, I’ve learned that I’m incredibly fortunate to be so smart, beautiful, and successful; if I wasn’t, nobody would like me and I’d likely kill myself. There is so much to learn from those around us.

I’ve also had a lovely time celebrating the recent success of my sister, whose dance single (“Let’s Grove Wit It”) dropped this summer to wild success among America’s Tea Party members. Her husband/record producer Sergio de la Blanca has also produced music by Mini Mama, Dolce Bam Bam, and Joo Yoo Wanna.

Charlie has been modeling like crazy this year! I’m so proud of him; he recently guest judged on America’s Next Top Model after Fabio sprained his toe during an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” photo shoot. He has really brought out my spiritual side and taught me the wonders of yoga, which is just one more reason we look so great together in our Christmas photo (enclosed).

As I said before, this fall I devoted much of my time to my passion: writing about myself. I suffered from a severe depression after my autobiography grossed only 3 million, but after a few therapy sessions and another vacation with Charlie, I came to my senses and began writing again. I look forward to another great year in 2011. Even if it’s terrible, it’ll be better than yours.

We wish we could be with each of you this holiday season so everyone would know how much better looking we are than you.

Hope you all have a lovely holiday season, and don’t forget to look for “Kristen Wiig Ate My Cake” in stores Christmas day worldwide.

xoxox

Cappy

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13 thoughts on “Greetings

  1. Yeah, sure, I guess I pale by comparison! I mean, just knowing a blogger with such a life is heady stuff for me. I’ll send you some pics of our old dogs, and the rust on our Bronco, as evidence that the year has been a fine one for us. It’s running!

    Do you have any friends to send these greetings to? Just sayin’.

    ROFL…great job cappy!

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention Greetings « writer's block -- Topsy.com

  3. I hopped over here from the link you posted on Blog Frog. This will make me laugh for weeks to come. I love getting Christmas cards, and I must admit I have a special place in my heart for Christmas letters. I’ve never written one, but if I ever do I hope it’s as great as yours.

  4. Oh lord, I want to copy this idea and send my own perfect Christmas letter to people I know! I could probably get my best friend to photoshop a picture of me with some gorgeous man for added affect…

    Gawsh, I love your posts!!

  5. Love this! Every year I am in charge of writing our Christmas letter, and I dread it! This year I told the Dear Husband that there is nothing to write about, so I’m not doing it. (He couldn’t argue that, cuz he hasn’t made any money ALL year, so we haven’t done 1 bloody thing worth sharing about.)

    But what fun ‘t would be to just write something funny, crazy like you’ve done here. I think it would be better than threatening to not send anything, not even cards. Don’t you?

    Thanks for the laughs-needed ’em.

    Dropping by from blogfrog discussion on latest posts. blessings on your day!

  6. Pingback: Happy Holidays! I’m Better Than You « cappy writes

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