Don’t You Guys Read Romance Novels?

I guest posted this at AbiolaTV.com a few days ago and thought I’d put the full post on my own blog:

I think we have a problem. Nobody knows how to kiss properly. I’m lookin’ at you, boys. Didn’t you ever read a romance novel? Oh, well me neither. Girls want to be kissed, not killed!

Here’s the deal: when you kiss a girl, you should refrain from shocking her in any way. Because with kissing, a shock is not a good thing. Ever. And agression is only attractive after multiple dates and multiple kisses, but definitely not at first. Please:

1. Don’t gag her.
This includes strangulation (so don’t wrap your hands around her neck and squeeze), but mainly focuses on tongue-work. Don’t you dare insert your tongue so far into her mouth that she gags, because it could be disastrous in so many ways. There’s this thing called a gag reflex, and sometimes it makes people throw up. Don’t trigger the gag reflex.
I mean, what do you think you’re doing? Don’t you know anything? Kissing can be really gross if you don’t do it properly. Does it really seem like a good idea to lick her tonsils? Let me answer that for you: it isn’t a good idea to lick her tonsils. Maybe you should write that down 100 times, just to make sure you remember.

2. Don’t be a vacuum.
Leave the intense sucking to Mr. Hoover, please. If you can hear slurping, you’ve gone too far. We all know the term “swapping spit,” but removing all spit from her mouth is just superfluous. I know you want her, but you don’t want her spit. That is just gross. This chick should not have to drink seven glasses of water afterward to regain moistness of the mouth.

3. Don’t do darty-tongue.
You are a human, not a lizard. I think I have to get scientific(ish) here: your mouth’s temperature is different from her mouth’s temperature. It is weird when an object that is colder/warmer than her mouth (and is also moist) darts into her mouth and then darts back out. I mean, really, did you not pay attention when I said not to shock her? That, my friend, is what we call shocking.

 4. No mashing.
I know that in all romantic movies, right as they kiss, the guy secures the girl’s head with both hands, leans in, and presses. But her head won’t fall off, so there’s no need to secure it, really. A little face stroking might be nice, sure, but not a two-hand lock. And pressing? No. You have a nose and she has a nose, so there’s really no safe way to press. It needs to be nice and gentle so that you don’t knock together and get a nose-bleed, because those aren’t romantic either. Plus, how do you expect to kiss for more than three seconds without getting a lip cramp if you’re smashing your faces together? Let’s be logical.

5. And finally, don’t drool.
You might think this goes against rule #2. It doesn’t.
Before you kiss her, make sure you’ve swallowed your mouthful of spit. Even if you’re kissing with a closed mouth, we don’t want a bit of dribble escaping your lips and getting on her face, because it’s a surefire way to get her to vomit. On your shoes.
Basically you want to suck your own spit in, but not hers.

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5 thoughts on “Don’t You Guys Read Romance Novels?

  1. so here i am innocently avoiding work when i come across your blog. i really was hoping to get something done today but it looks as though i’ll be sitting here, unproductive in the area for which they hired me, reading your blog until i get to every last post. don’t get me wrong, i’m totally cool with it, it’s just that i don’t think i’m gonna have internet privileges soon cause my chuckles are increasing in volume.

  2. I just stumbled across your blog, and I’m hooked. Also, This Post. I never knew the joy of kissing until four guys in… high school boys are the worst… and the whole “let me shove my tongue down your throat” is a big turn off. As are getting nosebleeds DURING kissing (yes, that happened to me… well, it happened to me in the sense that HE got a nosebleed, and it then got on me… Disgusting). So thank you for teaching the boys of the world some kissing etiquette.

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