1. When my dad says he took the bar exam, that does not mean he was training to be a really awesome bar tender.
2. People will come and go, but sour candy…that stuff’s forever. Literally. I think it’s radioactive, and I mean that in the best possible way.
3. I do not want to be a marine biologist, because it requires you to actually understand biology. I just really wanted to play with whales, but apparently that’s too much to ask.
4. I tan less than redheads.
5. eHarmony has nothing to do with musical talent.
6. The Watergate scandal did not involve a dam that cheated on its wife.
7. Even when you put boards over your snake’s cage to hold the lid on, your older (and supposedly smarter) sister will take the lid off and let the snake escape. You will never find said snake.
8. Do not say, “Dad, dear God, we’re all gonna die.” Dad is a good driver. Dad will not get us in an accident. If Dad does get us in an accident, it will not inevitably result in death.
9. 90’s TV is really awesome and is sometimes more theraputic (and less guilt-inducing) than chocolate.
10. If the vegetable oil smells like fish, that cake (which took an hour to make) will taste disgusting. Always smell the vegetable oil first.
11. I probably don’t have as convincing of a British accent as I once thought.
12. No matter how cool you think you’ll be once you have braces….well, you won’t. You’ll just look silly. Exibit A: Me in 7th grade.
13. Light blue eyeshadow is not a good look on anyone. Same goes for those weird sweater wraps that only cover your boobs, purple lipstick, and 80% of earrings from Claire’s.
14. Whatever you do, don’t step in the quicksand. Even when it’d be a really great way to hide from your parents.
15. If you wear a one-piece swimsuit outside and get a sunburn, you will most likely look like you have the flag of Japan tattooed on your back. And it’ll hurt really bad.
16. Don’t step on the Mome Raths.