The Costco Theory

Before I begin, I would like to say a few things:
1. Thank you all so very much for the lovely comments you left on my posts these past few days. The holidays don’t feel so lonely when I know you’re all out there with amazing stories to tell. We’re like a big family that doesn’t fight and probably doesn’t look very much alike…so maybe not that much like a family. Also, a huge thank you to those of you who took the time to use my Invisible Children SocialVibe dealio on the sidebar. It helps raise money to send Ugandan children to school, so your support is appreciated! It takes like 5 seconds and is free, so you all should do it. Go.
2. The idea behind this entire post came out of my friend Chloe’s extremely awesome (dare I say attractive?) brain. From the girl who brought you quotes like, “Did Cappy’s dad just put my Christmas present down his pants? I think so,” comes…you guessed it…The Costco Theory:

The question behind the Costco Theory is this: how long could you live inside a Costco? No supply trucks would come in; it’d just be you (alone) shut inside a Costco for as long as you could last. We’re pretty sure we know the answer…you could live forever inside a Costco. And you’d probably have the time of your life.

You could start a business or go to university online. You’d have your choice of some pretty awesome computers (and all the software you can shove in them…plus you could probably play Dora the Explorer computer games or something). And they probably even have “How to Start a Business While Living in Costco for Dummies” books that you could study with. You’d have printers, ink cartridges, and cameras (for those days when you’re considering photojournalism as a major). They even have nice collared shirts if you feel like dressing up a bit for the office.

You could be a huge couch potato, eating chips all day in front of those 6 giant TVs that are always on display. You could have a barbecue/salmon feed/crab night/anything because they sell barbecues, have a gigantic bakery and another gigantic kitchen (and that’s not even counting the food court), and all the food you’d need is right there in the freezer/snacks section. Did someone say yakisoba noodles? I think so.

Once you felt guilty for eating every potato chip on the shelves, you’d be able to work it off on a treadmill or trampoline…I bet they have Shake Weights. Actually, if you put some effort into it, you could get totally ripped inside Costco.  

If you felt like it, you could have a snowball fight in the produce freezer. I say this wishfully, because I’m not entirely sure how you’d get snow inside Costco, but once it was there you could totally keep it in the freezer. Maybe you could get a snowcone maker or something and grind ice into snowballs. I like it, I like it!

You’d stay totally sane inside a Costco, because you’d have the entire book section to read through, plus all their movies and video games (for those lonely nights when you don’t have a Skype date). Do you know how much fun you could have with the passport photo area? It’d be like your own personal photo booth.

And you could be so attractive! You’d always have nice skin-care products to keep you looking lovely, and you could crack open the jewelry display every once in a while when you wanna get bedazzled. These options would probably be more appealing if you had someone else inside the Costco to actually see you, but that’s a minor detail.

Once you’d been inside for long enough, your eyesight might start to fail you. Well, have no fear, because there’s an entire eye-care counter. Get yourself some glasses! Or a magnifying glass…I’m sure they have those somewhere.

22 thoughts on “The Costco Theory

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  1. This is amazing. All my childhood I dreamed of sneaking away from my mother and hiding in one of the Costco shelves. I figured when everyone left and the store shut down, I would be the luckiest girl in the world. I also used to wonder if hobos did that for reals.

    I still wonder if they do…

  2. I love it! I had never thought about Costco that way, other than I love the place. But wow, you really could live forever there. I have got to send this to a friend. Thank you for the good laugh, though it is a very thoughtful thought…


  3. Here’s the thing though. This scenario would only be applicable to two events. Event one would be an even more twisted version of Roald Dahl’s Carlie and the Chocolate Factory wherein you inherit a costco as opposed to a chocolate factory. Event number tow would be a Twilight Zone situation such as in the episode Time Enough at Last, where literally everyone is wiped off the planet. Other than those two, your life would be constantly at risk. The only other reason why you might be able to live in a Costco would obviously be because of a post-apocalyptic state of our world. Either caused by nuclear warfare or zombies. Maybe even both. In his novel World War Z, Max Brooks, son of Mel Brooks, makes a scenario in which the very thing has happened and a group of survivors have taken refuge in a store similar to Costco. He comments about how, even though there is a vast supply of food, entertainment and clothing, the way the group would have to ration supplies gets out of control and they all begin to fight over who gets what. Not only that, even though they have TV’s and Treadmills, none of them work, because they need to conserve as much energy from the back up generators as possible in order to sustain the heat of the building, especially in the winter. Then, on top of all these problems, other survivors find out about the Costco like store. These others will do anything, even killing, in order to live in the store. Thus posing as much of a threat as the zombies do. With this, half of the original survivors are killed due to the others and in a surprise attack from a horde of zombies. Ultimately, it comes down to one person left. He is forced to choose death by zombies, death by crazed survivors, or suicide. Ultimately, he chooses suicide, in a crazed attempt to win at the game of life (if killed by zombies, he would become one, if killed by survivors he would be slaughtered in the most inhumane way as possible).

    So, let this be a lesson to you next time you think of these sorts of things. You have to take into mind the context in which these things will happen. Many of them could be dangerous. If you truly want to survive a zombie apocalypse, just come to me. I am the expert.

  4. This is funny. Staying in costco forever will be a very great experience. And you can also blog inside Costco and write your adventures. Then some publishers will come across your writings. They will publish it. readers will enjoy it. And it will become a best seller book. and you’ll be wealthy and all that stuffs.

  5. This is quite possibly my favourite fantasy ever! (besides becoming a housewife with some kids and an adoring husband).
    Sickeningly, I have a similar fantasy about being locked in jail so I could just write my novel and stay in bed a lot.
    Fucked up much? Yes, Rubes, you are.

  6. I love this! Your post kind of reminded me of the book/movie ‘Where the Heart Is’ — basically, a pregnant 17-year-old girl named Novalee gets stranded outside a Walmart in Oklahoma by her deadbeat boyfriend, and with no money to speak of, she lives in the Walmart for the next few weeks and eventually gives birth there. The scenes in the movie are pretty cute… it looks like she does have a lot of fun there (although it would probably be terrible to go into labor in one of the aisles!) and I did wonder how long she would have lasted there had she not been pregnant. Anyway, great post :) I love Costco… and you bring up some great suggestions for someone to live there!

    1. Oh wow! I’ll have to check that movie out, it sounds pretty cool!
      Thanks for reading! Maybe someday I’ll get stuck in Costco and I can blog about it haha.

  7. In college I used to clean Walmart type store’s floors. (It was $14 an hr vs the 2.25 minimum wage at the time.) There are a lot of people in a store like Costco at night. Therein lies another story me thinks, hiding from the night staff.

    Are you going to research this story before you write and publish it? That’d be fun too. :O)

  8. This would be great! Well, except for the Zombie Apocalypse that Alex mentioned, and the fact that I would miss traveling, and in-person time with my nieces. Aside from those things, though, I think I could like it.

  9. Honey… does Costco sell vibrators?? I’ve just found a flaw in ur Costco theory.
    Although, I get laid about the same amount now as I would trapped alone inside a Costco. So, bring it!

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