Dear World,

Dear World,

If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to fix a few things.

First, make old people stop asking me what I’m planning on doing with my life. Even though I know (I think) that I’ll write forever…unless I become a rocket scientist…it’s difficult to explain that yes, I plan on writing a novel and yes, I understand that it’s hard and yes, I am prepared to be poor-ish for a while. And no, I didn’t know that back in your day writers had to make pens out of needles and ink out of their blood. But thank you.

Second, if you would be so kind, I’d like people to stop being such jerks about being nice. I am 99% sure that humans are inherently good, so I would like you to make people stop being mean and angry. When I am nice to people, maybe they could be nice back…

Can rappers and singers please stop saying their names before they start rapping/singing? I don’t entirely understand the purpose of that…is it so I won’t forget who’s singing the song halfway through? Or maybe they forgot who they were and had to remind themselves. That’s what night after night of partying can do to you. It’s a hard life for those people.
Regardless, I don’t care whether it’s Jayysoooooon Derulo or LUDA! singing because either way I’ll probably dislike the song.

Also, maybe everyone could shut up vis a vis raising taxes. I don’t think people understand what taxes are for: they are to keep our country from debt. So, if you are rich, shut the heck up and pay some bloody taxes instead of taking that third trip to the Bahamas. And if you’re that upset about taxes being raised, maybe you shouldn’t have supported the 18 (ish) wars we are currently fighting. At this point, you could have paid all your taxes and saved a few third world countries from poverty.

And if Sarah Palin utters one more word of her nonsense, I’m flyin’ straight up to ‘Laska and givin’ her a piece of my mind. And then I’ll go hunt some moose. In a red jacket. I promise, it’ll look just like the cover of her first book (and a Lands’ End catalog). Or maybe I’ll ask her to read an exerpt from her book, which is apparently on “Faith, Freedom, and Flag” and try not to vomit until I’m home.

Also, I have two words for you: Christmas lights. Why must they get so tangled? And why must my cat try to eat them?

Can we make British the universal language? Cuz the way they say “party” makes me feel giddy. While we’re on the subject of feeling giddy, can I 1) marry Julian Casablancas and 2) have Enrique Iglesias follow me around and make those really nice sing-moan-squeal thingybopper sounds in my ear? No? Oh. Okay. Nevermind then.

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13 thoughts on “Dear World,

  1. Dear World,
    I second Cappys’ notions.
    In addition, can I also please request that old people and jerks be scrapped altogether?
    Kindest regards
    Rubes
    PS. World, you’ve still got my number right?

  2. Another great post. You never cease to amaze me. But as someone who is close to being considered “old,” I promise to never ask you what you’re going to be when you grow up. And really, we’re not all that bad (we were young once but some of us seem to forget, that’s all). Anyway, I agree with you. People are inherently good. Look at all the people who helped during the Arizona shooting. The kindness of strangers is not a falsehood.

    As for Ms. Palin, can I come with you and give her a peace of my mind too? That woman baffles me! Does she hear what she’s saying? Why is she so popular? I’d like to give Rush Limbaugh a good talking to as well.

    And I just love British accents and British dramas and British everything.

    Cappy, you are the essence of awesome! Thanks for making me smile.

    • Awww thanks!!!! Honestly, I love old people (but I do not include you in the “old” category because you are so vivacious – plus youre not old anyway)…they have so much to teach me. It’s probably more like people in general asking me what I want to do with my life haha.
      Yes yes, we can go on a special trip to give Rush and Sarah a good talking to!
      Thanks so much for reading and boosting my ego every day hahaha. Of course I’ll autograph your copy! Ha you might have a long wait before I publish anything…. :)

  3. Argghhh, that question about “what are you going to do with your life” haunts me too… “I don’t know” is not an acceptable answer, apparently. (Really, I don’t think I’ll know till I get there).

  4. I’d like to marry Julian Casablancas as well…!
    Good post! I also dislike when old people moan and groan about their troubles and “back in my day” stories. It’s not like we can do anything about the economy or go through what they went through “back in their day.” Can anybody say “generation gap”?

  5. Hi Cappy,

    I think your blog is charming. I also think that it is very simple really: it’s nice to be nice. I would also like to write a novel. Last year at an enormous outdoor ball at Trinity College, Dublin, where I studied, Dizzy Rascal, a British rapper performed on stage to tens of thousands of students, asking them constantly to chant his name. They obliged; possibly out of sensitivity for a putative impairment in his declarative memory. The Hiberno-English pronuniciation of party is /pɑːrʃiː/ I hope it also meets your approval :)

    Good luck with your writing :)

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