If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to fix a few things.
First, make old people stop asking me what I’m planning on doing with my life. Even though I know (I think) that I’ll write forever…unless I become a rocket scientist…it’s difficult to explain that yes, I plan on writing a novel and yes, I understand that it’s hard and yes, I am prepared to be poor-ish for a while. And no, I didn’t know that back in your day writers had to make pens out of needles and ink out of their blood. But thank you.
Second, if you would be so kind, I’d like people to stop being such jerks about being nice. I am 99% sure that humans are inherently good, so I would like you to make people stop being mean and angry. When I am nice to people, maybe they could be nice back…
Can rappers and singers please stop saying their names before they start rapping/singing? I don’t entirely understand the purpose of that…is it so I won’t forget who’s singing the song halfway through? Or maybe they forgot who they were and had to remind themselves. That’s what night after night of partying can do to you. It’s a hard life for those people.
Regardless, I don’t care whether it’s Jayysoooooon Derulo or LUDA! singing because either way I’ll probably dislike the song.
Also, maybe everyone could shut up vis a vis raising taxes. I don’t think people understand what taxes are for: they are to keep our country from debt. So, if you are rich, shut the heck up and pay some bloody taxes instead of taking that third trip to the Bahamas. And if you’re that upset about taxes being raised, maybe you shouldn’t have supported the 18 (ish) wars we are currently fighting. At this point, you could have paid all your taxes and saved a few third world countries from poverty.
And if Sarah Palin utters one more word of her nonsense, I’m flyin’ straight up to ‘Laska and givin’ her a piece of my mind. And then I’ll go hunt some moose. In a red jacket. I promise, it’ll look just like the cover of her first book (and a Lands’ End catalog). Or maybe I’ll ask her to read an exerpt from her book, which is apparently on “Faith, Freedom, and Flag” and try not to vomit until I’m home.
Also, I have two words for you: Christmas lights. Why must they get so tangled? And why must my cat try to eat them?
Can we make British the universal language? Cuz the way they say “party” makes me feel giddy. While we’re on the subject of feeling giddy, can I 1) marry Julian Casablancas and 2) have Enrique Iglesias follow me around and make those really nice sing-moan-squeal thingybopper sounds in my ear? No? Oh. Okay. Nevermind then.