How Health Class Changed My Life

1. I learned that you can become water intoxicated.
That’s right children, you should drink more beer and less water….okay, that’s a lie. But really, if you drink too much water your body can’t handle it and you EXPLODE! Or something a little less violent.

2. Men find testicular lumps in exactly this way:
Zoom in on young male in locker room shower. We see the young man suddenly look down and exclaim:
YOUNG MAN: Oh! A lump!
Cut to young man’s home. He walks down the stairs, sees his father in a reclining chair, his pipe and newspaper in hand, and says to him:
YOUNG MAN: Hey Pa, I found a lump today. On my nut.
FATHER: You mean your testicle, son?
YOUNG MAN: Uh, yeah. Is it bad?
Cut to scene in doctor’s office. Doctor has just finished examining the young man and says:
DOCTOR: Well son, it seems we’ve caught it in time.

I’m glad the “lump-on-the-nut crisis” was averted so smoothly. Although I wish it were that simple, honestly. I always feel terrible when I hear about anyone getting any type of cancer.

3. Women take about 20 minutes to examine their breasts:
Complete silence. Girl gets out of shower, with towel wrapped around her waist, breasty bits exposed for all the world to see. Girl walks to mirror and begins lengthy self-examination. And I mean lengthy. Every boy in the class must’ve been flipping out. I don’t know for sure, as they separated us by gender even though we watched the same movie, but I’m pretty sure it was pretty exciting for them.
Also, I would like to note that after the exam they passed around a fake breast with lumps in it so that we could feel what it would be like if we found one in our own breast. I’m totally cool with that, as I think girl parts are nothing secret, but I remember that some of the girls would not touch the falsie.

4. Condoms are to be applied to cucumbers, and only cucumbers. And only in crowded grocery stores.
Picture this, if you can without vomiting: Australian guy in a grocery store. Walking around the produce section teaching us about sex (because when I think “fruit” I automatically think “sex”). As the man picks up a large (I mean large) cucumber, he says, “Iye shell new teach yew hew to apply a cundem.” Except not, since Australian sounds a bit more rubbish than that. I don’t really understand their accents, but I definitely got the gist of this video. He was putting a condom on a cucumber, and I wasn’t allowed to leave the room. I probably would’ve been more comfortable if he’d just unzipped his pants and demonstrated on the real thing. I honestly couldn’t tell you why I was so weirded out, but I was. I really really was. All my innocence was destroyed that day, and I will never be able to look at a condom-wrapped cucumber the same way again.

Weirdest semester of my life.

5 thoughts on “How Health Class Changed My Life

Add yours

  1. That is the worst Australian accent I’ve ever read!! We’re not all that bogan – and we’re definitely not New Zealanders. I think you’re getting us confused ;-)

    1. Ha I’ve honestly started loving Australian accents recently…but I’m pretty shit at making them.

  2. Me, they’ve sent off to an all catholic school. Jesuits and nuns teaching nothing else than Latin and mathematics.

    However we did get a simular day.. Instead of a cucumber, this nun decided it was best explained with a broomstick.
    Now I don’t believe she has ever used a condom in real life, so with a school of about 500 to 600 students, devided in groups of about 25-30 people, can you image her having to buy these things? I mean, she has to walk over to a pharmacist store, probably wearing a habit and everything, buying a family sized carton of condoms.. :)
    Would you like those ribbed, flavoured or ultra thin for a more natural feeling? :%)

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