How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love With You (Part 6)

1. Stare at him. Constantly.
Don’t try to be subtle. Stare. That. Twit. Down.
You are an animal on the hunt. You’re a cheetah (speaking of, you should wear lots of cheetah print from now on. It turns twits on while simultaneously freaking them out. They’ll go, “Oh my God, why is that girl wearing a full on cheetah costume?” and they’ll be immediately aroused and intrigued). You’re a cheetah and he’s a gazelle. So give him the eyes – you know what I’m talking about, the “I’m going to run you down and rip you apart for my dinner” eyes. Yum.

2. Pretend you like other boys.
Flirt with every man you see. And I mean hardcore flirt, like…maybe put your leg on another guy while you talk to him. Play with your hair a lot and giggle around other guys, but don’t give your twit the time of day. It’ll make him yearn for you. And when you’re talking to the twit you want, make sure you interrupt him a couple times every minute to point out a guy you think is cute. Example:
Twit: So you wanna hang out this Sat–
You: OH MY GOD THAT GUY’S BUTT IS SO NICE.

3. Tell him you finally cured your chlamydia.
Yayyy! Now he knows you’re safe! He’ll also know you like to have a good time, which is what twits want in the first place. Twits just want to have fun.

4. Tell him he has nice eyes. But make sure you use analogies.
Oh Bill, your eyes are as blue as the Facebook background!
Jimmy, you have eyes as green as the weird velvet covering on my pool table.
Hank, your brown eyes make me think of chocolate pudding. I like chocolate pudding.
Oh Joey, take off your sunglasses so I can see your eyes. OH! You don’t have eyes. Okay. Your eyes remind me of the Grand Canyon.

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9 thoughts on “How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love With You (Part 6)

  1. Chlamydia is such a lovely word. My daughters will one day be grateful that I decided against naming any of them Chlamydia. I also reluctantly rejected Anathema and Dichotomy. Sigh.

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