1. Offer a lady your jacket.
Really. If she says she’s cold, it’s your responsibility to chivalrously warm her up. And I don’t mean by rubbing your body all over hers. I mean you should say, “Wow, Lady, you’re cold? I shall save you from frostbite by giving my jacket up for you.” She might even realize the danger you’re putting yourself in and refuse so that you can be warm.
If you aren’t wearing a jacket, offer her your metaphorical jacket. Like, “If I were wearing a jacket, I’d totes give it to you, babe, cuz you’re my shining star.” Then she’ll swoon a bit and love you forever.
2. Actually speak to her.
There’s nothing worse than getting shy. Don’t get shy. Sometimes being awkward can be cute, but only if it’s already established that you like her. Before that it’s just confusing and annoying.
Now, that’s not to say that if you’re a naturally shy person you just suck, because naturally shy people have a lot to offer the world. To name one thing…their shyness.
I mean don’t GET shy. Like one day you talk to her and you’re all pally chummy and then all of a sudden BAM you’re shy. That is just confusing. So don’t be confusing, just be her man. If you like her, go get her. For all you know, you could die of a heart attack tomorrow.
3. Feed her.
Once you’ve done this, she’s lost all hope of recovering from your lurrrrve, especially if you cook for her yourself. You think boys like food? No. Girls like food. We just don’t tell you because, for some stupid reason, you only like girls when they’re really skinny and stupid. Your loss.
Point is, you really just need to feed the girl. If you’re feeling loving, feed her aphrodisiacs like figs and avocado. And honey. Honey is lovely, honey.
4. Open the door.
…Unless she’s a crazy feminist, in which case you should just not help her do anything. But really, ladiez like to be taken care of.
Also, let her go in front of you in line and on crowded sidewalks because that’s chivalrous, and chivalry shouldn’t be dead. You WILL revive chivalry.
5. In case you missed it, ACTUALLY SPEAK TO HER.
Women all ’round the world have do deal with this: the boy who supposedly likes her doesn’t speak to her. Hmmm. Maybe it’s because boy brains are wired all wrong that they think silence is a good idea. It isn’t. Have you met us? We like to talk. So talk.
6. Listen to her.
More specifically, listen to her say stupid things and then pretend they aren’t stupid. Because everyone gets a little tongue tied sometimes. Don’t pretend you’re perfect. Just laugh along with her (not at her, duh) and admire her beauty. If you have to point out that what she said was just complete idiocy, then tease her, don’t make fun of her. Because that’s just not nice.
7. Uh, look at her?
You’re allowed to make eye contact. In fact, you seem about 600x more trustworthy when you do. And it makes us go a little woozy, which is a plus.
I’d like to thank my friend and fellow girl Maddie for helping me come up with a few of these tips. Also, a big thank you to the Academy and all the little people out there. Couldn’t have done it without you.