How to Treat the Fellaz

1. Offer to do things for him.
I think he’d especially appreciate if you re-laced his shoes all cool so the laces aren’t crisscrossed but instead go straight across. That’s a real winner right there. Expect a ring tomorrow.

2. Be real.
I always hate it when people say that: “I’m just bein’ real with you, bro.” But…be real. Shut up giggling and trying to make his ego swell. It should swell only when it deserves to swell! When you’re impressed by something he says/does, let him know it, otherwise, just act like you would with your girlfriends (minus the makeup talk). Be nice, but don’t be sweet, unless you’re just totally in love and can’t help it. In that case, get a friend to slap you across the face and make you WAKE UP! I’m kidding. Maybe.
And for Buddha’s sake, stop sticking your butt out. It isn’t cute and it makes you walk funny.

3. Look cuddly.
You want a cuddle, and so does he. Unless he’s a leper, in which case you should probably not get that close…but you can definitely love him from afar while he tries to get his condition under control…
Basically, be a little touchy, but stop slobbering all over him. The touchy can only go so far. And only touch when there’s a reason to. Like…if he tells you a really crap joke, you probably shouldn’t laugh and then hang all over his arm. But if he tells you the nicest story ever about his dog dying the day after his dad died, you could give his arm a little fondle. But keep it classy, cuz his dad and dog died.
While we’re on the subject, I’d like to say this: don’t date guys with tons of issues. His dad is freaking dead…and so is Fido. The man needs some space!

4. Look at him. Speak to him.
These are important because A) we know fellaz are morons and don’t get a single subtle hint we throw at them and B) you know you want to. Suppressing the urge will just make you explode into a crazy ball of scary later.
If you compliment his sweater because really you just love what’s underneath, he isn’t gonna get it. I repeat: subtlety doesn’t work.

5. On that note, be assertive.
Tell him what you want. Because he won’t understand what you want unless you say it loudly, clearly, and in as little words as possible (I realize how sexist I sound. I’m definitely aware that guys are smart, but even I’m terrible at understanding subtlety and I’m a girl!). So tell him when you’d like his jacket. Tell him your favorite type of food. Then he’ll know how to please you :)

Once again, people helped me with this. Since I’m not a boy and do not understand boy minds, a big thank you to my friend Adam for his assistance! And to my cat for always being there for me even when I forgot to feed him dinner the other day. And to Maddie for the shoelace suggestion. Why don’t we have boyfriends?

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8 thoughts on “How to Treat the Fellaz

  1. OMG number 4 is dead on, every girl gives off these subtle hints us guys just don’t get. Cut us some slack ladies and throw us an occasional bone please. Great and funny post.

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