What’s a Heezy, Anyway?

I have been awarded the Versatile Blogger Award by the very attractive (I assume) blogger over at Merry Musings and now am absolutely required by law to post random facts about myself etc etc. But hey, I’ve never been one to talk about myself (I know, I can practically hear you scoffing through the internet right now), so who knows what I’ll spit out today.

1. Leighton Meister’s song “Body Control” has recently made me think of “Botty Control” and picture incontinent toddlers.

2. I secretly want to punch people who walk around with their hands in each other’s back pockets. Like, you couldn’t wait for about 10 more minutes to go somewhere private and fondle his butt there? No, apparently not.
So yeah, PDA-ing idiots in the mall. You’re rednecks (probably not). I hate you and your butt-squeezing hands. Watch it, or you might just find my hand in your boyfriend’s pocket. How do you like it now?

3. Outback Steakhouse commercials make me absolutely detest Australian accents. Which is ridiculous, really, as I am pretty much in love with YouTube comedian Natalie Tran, along with standup comedian Adam Hills (he will marry me someday) and they’re both from Australia. I think it’s because the Outback Steakhouse guy ISN’T ACTUALLY AUSTRALIAN. I refuse to believe that he is in any way connected with the real Australian outback, mainly because he sounds like he’s half kangaroo. Oh. Wait…

4. Dogs are aliens. Yeah, I said it. The government didn’t want me to, and if I disappear from bed tonight, you’ll know why. All that barking? Those crazy high-pitched dog whistles? Yeah, that’s how they communicate with their home planet. And when they nuzzle (attack) you? PROBING. THEY’RE FREAKING PROBING YOU.

5. I’m so afraid for my generation. I’m a little worried that we’re gonna start spelling ludicrous “Ludacris” and not know it has an actual definition. And I don’t understand most of these new-fangled words anyway. What’s a heezy? Who are you, Ice Cube? And why did that man just say something about my badonkadonk? Is that some kind of cancer?

6. What the HECK is up with morning people? I didn’t even know 4:30 AM existed until that perky girl over there said that’s when she wakes up.

7. And really, what’s with this new fad of people giving stuff up for Lent? I know it’s been happening for centuries probably, but honestly? People who aren’t even religious do it now, don’t know why they’re doing it, and quit after three days without chocolate. And to those who are religious: it’s like a bad New Year’s resolution only you do it for 40 days and compare yourself to Jesus the whole time.

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3 thoughts on “What’s a Heezy, Anyway?

  1. You’re the third person in a week that I know (as much as I can know someone in the virtual world) to receive this honor. Congratulations. Wait–or is this just another April Fool’s joke? Hmm…

    In any case, whether or not you’ve allegedly won, I must say I agree with you about dogs. I have one so I know. Reminds me of 101 Dalmatians, the midnight call where all the dogs in London bark secret codes to each other. Yep, they’re all spies!

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