Party Etiquette

1. For those of you that drink, don’t use those horrendous Bud Light bottles that have a “name tag” on them.
You know people are just gonna scrape dirty pictures on them after they’ve downed a few. Whose idea were those anyway? “Yeah, let’s make it easier for drunk people to give out their phone numbers, get drunk, make mistakes, and then forget about them in the morning.”
Stay classy, people. Water seems a little more fitting for my kind of party anyway.

2. If it’s meant to be a fancy dress party, actually dress up.
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen the girls look lovely and the guys come with crap spilled all over their shirts and their hair sticking up in more directions than a porcupine’s quills. Just look like you spent more than two minutes getting dressed, okay?

3. Don’t eat all the chips, people!
You could probably stand to lose a few pounds anyway, and all you’re gonna do tonight is eat and sit. Just because you won’t shut up doesn’t mean you’re getting exercise (unless, of course, your jaw could use a good workout). Save those chips for the anorexic models who will no doubt show up later. Make them eat; it’s your civic duty.

4. Don’t be a wallflower.
That’s annoying; you came to this party, so PARTY! That doesn’t mean you have to do crack and bounce off the walls all night while hitting on the hostess. But it does mean that you should smile and speak and laugh. And dance, if appropriate. Heck, dance if NOT appropriate.

5. Bring the host/hostess something.
Preferably a fatted calf. But if those aren’t readily available at a supermarket near you, sparkling cider usually does the trick.

6. Finally, don’t get drunk off your booty.
I’d say “don’t get drunk off your ass,” but my daddy reads this. Oh. Oops.

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