No Touching!

Some of the things people do when they’re in relationships amaze me. Like, how exactly does the kissing-photograph go down? “Hey, I really like you, so we should take a photo together while we kiss.” No. I’m sorry, but that’s really annoying. And if you do that, then…well, stop. It might be less obnoxious if you didn’t upload it to Facebook immediately, but then it’d just be sitting around in your house and that’s pretty annoying too.
So here’s what couples shouldn’t do in public.
1. Give each other massages.
Um. What? Why? Why are you touching her like that while I’m at a party trying to eat my bag of Doritos in peace? I want to eat the WHOLE BAG, and if you make me vomit it up….
2. Nibble.
Just don’t. Wait until later. Find a supply closet for all I care, just DON’T NIBBLE EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.
3. Take photos together constantly.
I will break your camera. Group shots are fun. Even the really obnoxious “taking a photo of yourself and a couple people by extending your arm in front of you like a fool” is okay every once in a while. But please, don’t do it constantly. I don’t want to be interrupted mid-sentence by you smooching your boyfriend while clicking away at your camera. Like I said, I’ll break the dang thing.
4. Talk as if you’re one entity.
You probably spend a lot of time together, and that’s great. But once you start to be defined by a relationship and ONLY talk about the things you do together, we have a problem.
5. Make really disgusting references to your sex life.
One word: Unnecessary!

I hope I’ve taught you well. You’re welcome, because I basically just prevented you from being punched in the face someday.

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13 thoughts on “No Touching!

  1. lol PDA can be uncomfortable to others. I’ve experienced extreme PDAs and it’s like watching a really embarrassing scene on TV only in real life I was stuck in the elevator with the couple and I couldn’t change the channel.

  2. haha – hilarious! my favourite (ie, least favourite) is number 4… though all the PDA is awkward and uncomfortable.
    another one to add to the list: We KNOW what you’re doing with your hands under the table. You’re about as subtle as a brick wall… or softcore porn (did someone call for a printer repairman? Pizza delivery guy? sexy cop? Nope.). And there are other people at the table… who know you… so STOP IT.

  3. I find criticizing the making-out couple mercilessly teaches them a good lesson about appropriate public displays of affection. For example, I might say “I can’t believe you leaned you head in *that* way. Are you trying to be a bad kisser?” or “Wow. It seems like you guys would be good at this, you know, with all the practice, but man…..I feel sorry for you if you think *thats* the right way to kiss.”

    They almost never make-out in front of you again. Also, they might not be your friends anymore….

    • Right, I’m getting my plane ticket to Austin and coming to visit you, mainly so we can chastise/criticize/anger couples when they make out. Because I bet that if we do it together, we’ll be twice as likely to get slapped, and I like to live life on the edge…

  4. This is just HILARIOUS. Mostly b/c I can think of times I’ve taken part in these things, on a very small, non-invasive sort of way. Lol. E.g. #1 Babe has carpal tunnel, and one evening, at a dinner party, her hand really hurt… She asked me to massage it, so I did. Under the table.
    #4 sort of just happens sometimes, but to do it allllll the time could be weird. Yeah. I see that.
    #5 AAAAAAAAAAGH! *runs away*

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