I Am: Boiled Lobster

This is not me. I am not happy about the sun.

I am a pale girl. It’s just a fact of life. I’m not albino, nor do I have that white-blonde hair that turns green with chlorine or makes me look sick, but I’m pale nonetheless. And this weekend, I turned into a lobster.

I was at the lake with some friends and we were all joking about how pale we are. One of my friends even made the infamous remark that she looks like a “pale piece of blubber,” which I thought was a little extreme. I’ll have you know that I was the palest piece of blubber on that dock.

I forgot about the sunscreen. I put some on in the morning, but I spent about 6 hours outside with a bikini on. And went swimming, which basically just means bye bye sunscreen.
Long story short, I can’t even scratch my nose for pain.

I didn’t wear a bra or underwear to work today because it hurt too bad. And it’s not even sexy to say that, because even if someone I worked with was turned on by my lack of undergarments (which they wouldn’t be, since they’re all married and older than me, and only one of them is a man), I don’t think they’d want to see my bright red skin. In fact, I know they wouldn’t. It’s sick. This is my sad life.

My cousin, who is 1/4 Philipino and the tannest man I have ever met, laughed at me when I told him about it on the phone this morning. “Lil cuz,” he said, cuz that’s how he talks, “you gotta indoor tan too!”
Ralphie, I don’t know if you’ve met me, but I’m very blonde and very pale. Indoor tanning burns me after 4 minutes. Hell, my EYES get sunburned if I don’t wear sunglasses all the time. You can see this little red stripe across the white of my eye that my eyelids didn’t cover. It’s sick, kids, and you should run away screaming.

I feel like a piece of dried seaweed. If that’s even possible.

9 thoughts on “I Am: Boiled Lobster

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  1. Oh you poor poor thing! I am very pale, and super sensitive but it goes further than that, I get sunstroke ALL the time, so I avoid sun like the plague. Fortunately, this means I never burn, but long ago, when I was a little kid, me and my dad fell asleep on the beach, needless to say, even our eyelids were burnt! ACK!!!!

    Hope you’ll feel better soon!

  2. I’m terribly pale too … I’ve been there … My home remedy: slice a tomato and put it over the places that hurt more. Leave it for a little while (actually you have to leave it there until it gets warm) and then change the “slice”. If the tomato was in the fridge, even better.

    You will need to shower afterwards, but it’s totally worth it …

    1. That sounds awesome!! Thanks so much for the idea! I’ll be slicin up a tomato as soon as I’m home :)

  3. Cappy, Cappy, Cappy. How can you forget to lather on more sunblock. 6 Hours? I mean really. Well, hopefully, you’ve learned. Long story short, when I was 16 I did something similar after spending an entire month in Florida with not a smidge of sunblock touching my skin. I developed the most humongous blister on my back that blew up like a balloon until I finally popped it. Oh the pain! :(

    1. I’m usually so good, I promise! I always wear 45 SPF all day. I was being stupid :( at least no blistering!

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