Here’s a question: Why do fitness clubs have to find the most obnoxious “slogans” imaginable and then print them on a t-shirt? It’s getting a little annoying.

I was walking behind two guys in the hall today. They’d come from the direction of the gym (I later realized I recognized one of them as someone who works at the gym) and were all “look at our swaaaag, mmm yeah, booty, also…pects.” They were also talking really loudly, so I was judging them.

Anyway, the one who works at the gym was wearing his “uniform” and it said “UP YOURS” on the back in really big letters. I was a little confused until I got closer and saw that it was “clever” and “witty” and said, in smaller letters beneath, “Push Ups, Chin Ups,” etc etc. Har har, gym man, that’s so great.

Now, I realize that I’m insulting the guy for a mistake choice his employer made, but mostly I’m trying to insult him for being a total toolbag.

Anyway, as I walked back to work from my errand and chance meeting with these “lovely” men, I realized that I’d seen a lot more of these slogans from my gym (Oz Fitness…I’m sure they appreciate the wonderful press I’m giving them). So without further ado, I will now be commenting on their ridiculousness:

Grab Fitness by the Ball!
That’s weird. I don’t enjoy that inuendo, but thanks. Now I really don’t want to attend your weird dodge ball class. It’s bad enough trying to run away from angry, sweaty men who are throwing stuff at you without having to worry about being molested or sexually harassed.

Have you said the F word today?
Who wears a t-shirt that says that?! No, I haven’t said the f word today, but I will in a moment! Oh, it stands for Fitness? Well FITNESS YOU! Moron.

Body Parts
Okay, this one doesn’t offend me, but I kinda don’t get it. What about body parts? Are there some in your trunk? Do you have a couple extra upon your person? Would you like to cut mine off? This is strange and, frankly, somewhat frightening.

And finally, “UP YOURS”
No, my good fellow. Up YOURS. I don’t like you. When I left the gym the other day, you didn’t say “have a nice day” or anything. You just let me walk by, lonely as a cloud, without wishing me well. Sure, I was grunting and limping and you were probably afraid for your life, but still…

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