America’s Ass

America's ass sits on the Chair of Life. Careful, it's gonna break.

America’s ass is too big for its gigantic pantaloons.

Examples:

Michelle Bachmann: You were worried about Bill Clinton being too big of an influence on Hilary? Please. Bachmann said, in front of a church congregation, that she studied tax law because her husband wanted her to and it was her job to obey him.
Vomit.
Government is too big? She worked for the IRS, was paid by the state to take care of foster children, she became a congresswoman (and thereby employed by the government), and her husband is a psychologist who (besides being insane and trying to cure people of their gayness) receives money from Medicare and Medicaid.

And then of course, we’ve got Christine O’Donnell who was like “I’m not a witch!” which is fine, because I honestly don’t care whether she ever was or not, but if you experimented with Wiccan practices, don’t you think you should let gay people marry each other? I don’t totally know how that logic works out in my head, honestly, but it just seems to me that once you’ve got a taste of how people treat you once they feel you’ve “sinned” you’d understand that gays get 100x more of that every day for no reason.
But better yet, my pal Christine apparently (wrongly) thinks she understands how interviews work, since she called Piers Morgan “rude” and “creepy” for asking her stance on gay marriage and not simply sticking to questions she had prepared an answer to. She was like (and this isn’t a direct quote, but it’s pretty close) “You should ask me questions about what I want to talk about, and what I want to talk about is my book…because I’m greedy and want people to buy it.” That last bit was loosely paraphrased.
No, Christine, interviews don’t work that way. You go to an interview and you answer the questions, unless they’re totally out of line and don’t make any dang sense like, “What’s your favorite dog biscuit to snack on, you bitch?”

Freedom Fries: Seriously? We think we’re right all the time, and anyone who doesn’t jump on our wagon of stupidity doesn’t deserve to have their name spoken in our country? The French didn’t even INVENT French fries, so chill.
Anyone who still calls them Freedom Fries has to be completely delusional.

What we did to the Dixie Chix after their comment about Bush: You are aware that you bought their CDs to burn them, right? Yeah, enough said.

Hummers: Hi, you aren’t in the army, so STOP DRIVING THAT CAR. You’re a jerk! I don’t even care what you need to do with it, you’re a jerk. Your car gets about 12 mpg. My car gets at least 35 in the city. I am better than you, and I have no problem saying it. I am better than you because I don’t drive a freaking Hummer. I mean, what were you thinking?!
Same goes for every other car that gets crappy gas mileage and/or is gigantic. I’m sorry. I judge you.
Actually, no, I’m not sorry. If you don’t need a truck for work/farming, you shouldn’t have one. If you have a suburban because you have 8 kids, maybe you shouldn’t have had so many dang kids. Do you know how much waste you produce? Unless your kids all turn out to be Jesus and like, environmental scientists or little Ghandis, you’re a fool. Again. I’m judging you.

As Americans, we just run around thinking we deserve all this stuff; money but no taxes (which pay for the things we use, such as Medicare, roads, public schools, social security), FREEDOM but no responsibility for what we do to other countries that aren’t “free” enough, etc etc. It’s sick. Why do we expect to not have to work for anything? We’ve become the lazy country and everyone else knows it. The Founding Fathers would be so proud. Especially since most of us still think Ben Franklin was a president.

So. Wanna feel like you’re not a complete jerk? Go to the SocialVibe link on the bottom of my sidebar and do some (really quick and free) work for charity. It’s for Ugandan children who are starving and being forced to fight as child soldiers. Just do it, or may God smite you.

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5 thoughts on “America’s Ass

  1. OMG, where did you get that photo? Based on this post alone, I think you and I would get along just fine. I’m 100% in agreement with you, and I like your direct style. Now if only I knew for a fact that Michelle Bachman was reading this, too.

    I really think all Repubs are hypocrites for the very reason you cite: they all talk about less government and I want to say, put your money where your mouth is and resign from government. Small gov’t starts with fewer politicians in it! So quit and go home and stop forcing your will upon the rest of us!! OMG, Caps, you’ve gotten me all in a tizzy!

  2. Dang. You’ve really been cranking out the articles lately. I can barely keep up with you. But it’s a good thing. Well done.

  3. Hear hear, sister! Unfortunately, Australia is just one step behind you guys on a lot of this stuff – we seem to be all anti-gay marriage and pro-huge stupid cars. It makes me sad :(

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