Everyone Deserves a Threesome, or How to Get Booed off a Stage

Those poor little darlings at open mic night. I feel for them, I truly do.

Because I want to do standup so badly I’m practically peeing myself.

But…I’ve seen those other guys up there. They can bomb pretty hard, and I get that. I get how rough it can be going in front of a bunch of judgmental hipsters and trying to make them laugh, because even if you were hilarious they probably wouldn’t laugh. But comedy is about give and take. Give a good joke, take a good laugh. And if you give the crowd a bunch of crappy jokes, nobody will laugh at you (okay, they might laugh at you, but they won’t laugh at your jokes). It’s math. Or rather, it’s my kind of math, which really isn’t math at all. Anywho, in the interest of intellectualism, I’ve studied other comedy acts at open mic night and have come up with a few things you simply cannot do:

1. Go for the shocker.
“If I ever get into a fight, I’m just gonna rip all my clothes off because nobody wants to fight a naked guy with his penis hanging out.” I have heard him tell that joke at least three different times, and I have never laughed. Ever. And I laugh a lot. I laughed at an Oregon Trail computer game joke. Anyway, I’ve heard this Ding Dong do jokes about his ding dong 3 too many times.

2. Tell the same joke during multiple sets even when you’ve never gotten a laugh from it.
“I’ve noticed that the elevators here are pretty crazy. The up arrow is green, symbolizing heaven, and the down arrow is red, symbolizing…the spillage of Native American blood on the soil this University was built on. [Insert very confusing, “humorous” dialogue about Pocahontas here].” Keep in mind that this joke comes from a comic who shouted at a mask on stage for about two minutes.
If you’re still confused, see Rule Number 1.

3. Don’t have a punch line.
Someone told a very long joke about a blue dog named Cruffin who only ate muffins. He just kept yelling, “Cruffin! You ate my muffin!” There was no punch line. There was no point. I may have laughed at one point out of sheer confusion.

I know it may not seem like it, but I still respect (most of) these guys. It takes more than I’ve got to go up on stage and yell about Cruffin. Cuz if there’s anyone in the audience who thinks even a little bit like me, I’m gonna get booed off the stage.
I still hate naked fist fight guy, though. He’s an idiot. “Every guy should be entitled to a threesome…my girlfriend won’t let me.” Uh, question. You have a girlfriend? Wow. Wow. I sincerely hope she doesn’t speak English and is just your accidental girlfriend. She probably doesn’t know you’re dating. Poor girl.

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3 thoughts on “Everyone Deserves a Threesome, or How to Get Booed off a Stage

  1. The people who it always seems like bombed the hardest were the guys who are clearly “funny to their friends.” They try to then translate that to the stage, only, we’re not your friends. We don’t have context. We don’t know you. If you’re at a college that might be different, but regardless, if the jokes aren’t for other people, who are they for?

    If you want to get up there, though, just go. Accept that you probably won’t kill them all the first time, and make the first time about the experience. Practice a clear 3-minute routine – don’t try to wing it. Figure out what your punch lines are and trim down the lead-in; new comics always spend too long setting up the joke. Also figure out some tags – some punch lines to add after the punch lines to extend the joke.

    And there is my totally unsolicited advice for you first time at open mic night.

    • I like unsolicited advice, unless it’s about my hair. Hair’s off limits, Byron, just know that.
      But I agree with your theory. “Dude you’re hilarious, do standup” “OKAY!” [chugs beer]
      And thanks :) I just might!

  2. It’s much easier to say something shocking than it is to say something smart, and that’s true in comedy too. Unfortunately I can’t seem to do either, so I’m afraid comedy is out of the question for me. That’s why everything I write is so serious.

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