I was not the valedictorian of my high school; various science classes made sure of that. But I always thought it would be fun to make a speech in front of my entire class, mainly in order to force people to listen to my corny jokes, attempts to be deep, and “inspiring” statements. So since I wasn’t able to bless my class with my amazing insight last spring, I’m gonna do it now, online, for the whole world to see.
My fellow Americans (because that’s how every valedictorian speech should start),
High school was really bad. Like, really, really bad. I am personally ashamed of my various hairstyles throughout freshman and sophomore years, the boys I tried to date, and, sometimes, the pants I wore. Someone should have told me to lay off the weird eyeliner, to stop thinking that asshole guy was my soulmate, and to loosen up a little sometimes. But I learned most of those things on my own, though they did take a while. We will all continue to learn things about ourselves, and we will continue to regret certain things we did or did not do. But I guess, as they say, that’s part of life.
Most of us are headed off to colleges. Some will allow us to write Harry Potter quotes on the bathroom walls, and some will clean the bathrooms so often that we will never have the chance to see if those quotes would even be allowed. Some campuses will be small, and some will be so large that we will never stop being lost until the day before we graduate. Some will focus mostly on academics, and some will house more binge drinkers than you ever imagined existed. But the point of college is the same for all of us. To get the hell out of our homes…just kidding. The point is to learn, obviously, about what direction we want to head in, about our innermost desires, and about just how loudly we can play our music without being written up by the RA.
So, with that in mind, let us go forth into the world in peace, teaching others that alumni is not the singular form of a word, but plural. Let us ban Carrot Top from all casinos and other venues across this great nation of ours. Let us be courteous enough to not laugh like buffoons in the dining halls at our respective colleges and intelligent enough to know that socialism is a political ideology not to be confused with the term “social ability.” Let us also remember that the library is supposed to be silent and if you do not adhere to that rule I will personally bludgeon you with an encyclopedia. And finally, let us remember that the valedictorians of our high school will always be better than us, so we might as well all quit now.
You know the slogan (okay, no you don’t, cuz I made it up last night when I was sleep deprived): Valedictorians – We Don’t F Around.