I’ve been absent for a few (three) weeks. Not that any of you noticed. I received no postcards saying that you wished I would come back, no comments on posts asking if I was dead, no knocks on my door from you (okay, thank goodness to that last one).
So here’s what I’ve done in the weeks I wasn’t writing hilarious stuff on this blog:
– Got hired by the school newspaper. (I think that deserves a celebratory dance to Pocketful of Sunshine, Emma Stone style.) And now that you’re done watching that, just think about how awesome I am. Thank you, thank you. $22 a story. I’m rollin’ in dough.
– Joined the Alpha Delta Pi sorority. Once again, my beautiful hair has served me well (I’m lying..). Also, I’m a big idiot and don’t eat. Just kidding! I promise this (and most, actually) sorority isn’t like that at all.
– Watched Easy A twice in a row. Tonight. Hence the video above. I’m catching a cold, okay? And I don’t feel like dealing with another one, so I’m resting. And watching the best movie ever.
– Fantasized a little bit about my middle-aged man crush, Stanley Tucci.
– Successfully avoided recruitment to the Campus Christian Fellowship (several times). That’s actually extremely impressive, as once I practically broke a kneecap diving behind a pillar.
– Asked myself, “Why am I so awesome?”
– Realized that my answer probably had something to do with the fact that I turned into a ninja upon seeing a Christian Fellowship member approaching me.
– Realized that I might possibly go to hell because I avoided said Christian Fellowship member.
– Wondered if there was a hell.
– Stopped wondering about religious things and craved guacamole.
Then I thought about some more stuff:
– Why do baby pageants exist? The age group 0-3 should never exist in competitions. Unless it’s a competition of which baby can lie down for the longest period of time. Or which baby gurgles the most. Or which baby’s mom can change it’s diapers most efficiently. Or which baby is best at being an actual baby and not pretending to be a grown woman.
– What exactly is the purpose of the lowest settings on a toaster? Nobody uses a toaster to simply warm their bread up. And if they do, their families and friends should be seriously worried and possibly hold an intervention. If you want to warm your bread, place it between two rocks and rub them together. The friction will warm the bread while also saving the planet. It’s science, people. I know. I’m in Geology 101.