Pull up your pants, boys, and get ready for the ride of your life, because I’m about to learn you a thing or two. I’ve recently realized that there aren’t enough lovely boys in my general vicinity, and this needs to change. So, I am now going to complain for about 300 words, after which you are to knock on my door and make me swoon. Good? Good.
WHERE THE EFF IS JAY GATSBY? Where is Augustus Waters? Because the universe seems to have misplaced them. Now, I will admit that men who care too much about their lady love can get reeeeally obnoxious (and/or creepy) pretty quick, but I would like to see a little more chivalry and a little more…well, general kindness. So here are a few tips, because really, I’m getting a little tired of the slim selection I’ve got.
1. As I’ve said before, pull up your pants. I think it’s great that you wear underwear, but I’d rather not see them unless you accidentally drop your laundry on the floor in front of me or something. Also, get a few sweaters, because those are cute and also classy.
2. Either shave your face or don’t, but don’t go halfway. It’s disgusting, and (shocker!) can chafe a bit if you’re kissing someone. Plus, the spotty-stache is never a good look, nor is the neck beard.
3. Open the damn door for a lady, if only so you can get a good look at her bum. That’s the one thing I love about going to school in a semi-rural area; everyone’s related to a farmer and has that part of chivalry down pat.
4. Take girls on dates. Don’t just “hang out,” because there’s plenty of time for that when you’re married and living in a rest home. Take her out somewhere fun. Dancing is always a good way to go (if you don’t dance I will shun you so hard it’ll make your teeth fall out).
5. Don’t you dare grab her ass. Ever. Caress? Sure, after a while. Grab? Never. Same goes for her chest region. Grabbin’ ain’t sexy, yo.
6. Educate yourself. Read a book, take a sociology class, go to lectures from famous people. Nothing is sexier than the brain…except maybe a good smile. If you educate yourself, though, you’ll have more reason to smile! See how easy that was?
7. Walk her home. Don’t slobber on her when you kiss her goodnight. Also, don’t lead girls on, don’t make unwanted advances, and…I mean really…don’t roofie her…
I feel like that list was extremely obvious, but I just wanted to educate you all. Basically, act like this is the twenties and you aren’t a gangster, bankrobber or drunkard.