Happy Holidays! I’m Better Than You

3069914518_26770c90dfDear Friends,

It’s that season once more! The season of giving (to me) and snowmen and hot cocoa, which means its time to read my annual Holiday Letter of Self-Obsession.

As you all know, my Pulitzer Prize winning novel “This is Why I’m Hot” came out last year to rave reviews, so I’m pretty loaded now.

After my divorce from my brain surgeon husband (don’t worry, my divorce lawyers were better than his and I came away with the condo in the Bahamas and his mother’s antique diamond ring) I’ve been living a glamorous single life. Divorcing George was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, since our long relationship of one year really meant a lot to me (and he was seriously gorgeous), but the grief weight I lost was totally worth it!

In the wake of my book’s success and my very public divorce, I was hard at work on my new autobiography “The Life and Times of Me: The Jet-Setting Single Gal Who Still Manages to Make the Men Swoon” which came out last month.

I method-wrote the heck out of that book (by which I mean I travelled to every major Caribbean city and tanned for 3 hours a day in order to collect enough data to write a really sexy book about passion and mangos). I was like Daniel Day-Lewis, but feminine and a writer. And sexy.

I have also really enjoyed meeting my fans on my world book tour these past few weeks. The little people really do love me, and I’d like to thank them all for standing in line for hours while I sat in a chair drinking tea and receiving gifts from them. I want to say this: I appreciate your concern for me after my divorce, but if I get one more self-help book from you idiotic nothings, I will sue you all. Love you!

I’m now relaxing at my beach cottage in Florida with my man-servant Juan (who I met in yoga class). Juan is very flexible, soI’m enjoying life. I hope you have all been as fortunate as me this year, though I very much doubt it. If any of you are in Florida over the holidays, I would love to help set you up at a nearby cottage (for a small fee, of course). Stay beautiful…but not as beautiful as me.




6 thoughts on “Happy Holidays! I’m Better Than You

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  1. I think “daniel day-lewising” should become a verb. “Did I get in to it? Are you kidding? I Daniel Day-Lewised the shit out of it!”

    (also: I’m doing a post next week along the same lines – the Christmas letter – please don’t read it and think, “that son of a bitch is stealing my idea.”)

    1. Can we please make it a verb though! Like, submit it to UrbanDictionary and use it every day and hope it catches on? Because I feel like that’s such a great, revolutionary idea…
      I look forward to reading it! May your Christmas letter be wonderful! But not as wonderful as mine…

  2. I’m a Florida native and there are thousands of man-servants named Juan, I know of at least 7 near where I live. I will ask around and see if I can find the right Juan. Maybe a new book for you, “Finding Juan- a Florida Tale”.

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