Santa, You’re A Bad Husband

santa kissingI know Christmas is over, but we’re supposed to keep it in our hearts all year long anyway, so I figured I’d amuse you all with a rant about how terrible of a husband Santa probably is. Special thanks to Christina, my sorority sister, for starting this joke and inspiring this post.

1. He’s fat, which means that he eats a ton of food that Mrs. Claus has to cook every night, he’s very possibly diabetic, he probably has a lot of heart problems, and he  refuses to go to the gym. Or maybe he was just born this way, baby. Either way, he’s a financial drain because food is spensive and medical bills don’t pay themselves.

2. He kisses other women underneath mistletoe. Santa is a loose woman unfaithful! He gets it on with other people’s mothers, then gives those children presents as a bribe to keep quiet and not tell their daddy.

3. He’s gone all night on Christmas Eve doing who knows what with who knows who (see #2).

4. He’s home EVERY OTHER DAY FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. Sittin’ around, yelling, “Linda! (That’s probably Mrs. Claus’ name) Get me a sandwich! I’m trying to watch the reindeer games on ESPN! LINDAAAAAAAAA don’t forget to use extra mayo! LINDAAAA you didn’t use enough mayo! LINDAAAA I’m having a heart attack, take me to the hospital!”

5. His best friends are squeaky little people who hammer on things all day long. Can’t anyone get any peace and quiet around here?!

6. He’s basically unemployed. Who pays Santa? Certainly not all the children that he bribes with toys. Certainly not all the fathers whose wives Santa has kissed. Certainly not those women, because that would technically make Santa a prostitute…wait…

7. He might be a prostitute.

The End. Merry January, my little muffins.

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8 thoughts on “Santa, You’re A Bad Husband

  1. As much as I love all things Christmassy, this is hilarious!
    I reckon Mrs Claus gets stuck looking after all those reindeer throughout the year too. Which would suck.

  2. Of course, since he is basically unemployed, after the divorce you’re stuck with like 3 reindeers and a very old snowsled.. And I’m not speaking out of experience, but I’ve also been told that kissing a man with a very heavy beard is also not a desirable thing.. And living on the North Pole all year is also something you might need to bring up before the wedding..

    But there’s an upside.. Who knows what Linda is doing on Christmas Eve with her yoga teacher or with who knows who.. And considering the amount of gifts he hands out, image what you could get being Santa’s spouse. All the Louboutins, Swarovski’s and Bulgari’s you can ever image. Shoes, shoes, shoes… 1000’s of shoes :)

  3. I was going to say, “I think the word you are looking for is ‘gigolo,'” but I checked the definition and it doesn’t quite fit. Either way, this is hilarious and I will never look at Christmas the same way.

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