So, I know my name is Cappy, and that might confuse some people. It might make other people angry that I’m writing a post about naming children when it seems that my parents named me under a haze of marijuana smoke and black lights. (Surprisingly enough, they didn’t. To get the full story behind my name, click here.) But I, an extremely opinionated and slightly grumpy blogger, figured I had something to say, so I might as well say it. Listen up, and save the crazy names for middle names.
1. Don’t give your kid a bizarre-noun-name. There’s nothing worse (or easier to make fun of) than a kid named after a tree (Aspen is alright, Birch is not).
Girl Examples: Harp, Cedar, Dream, Muse, Petri.
Boy Examples: Wrangler, Trick, Track, Cannon, Knight.
Exceptions include: Joy, Hope, Iris, May, June, Daisy. Don’t get too exotic with your flowers…your kid shouldn’t be named Hibiscus or Anthurium. There are no exceptions for boys except maybe August. Maybe.
2. Avoid names of continents, countries or cities.
Girl Examples: Africa, Europe, Italy, Wales (that one’s for more reasons than one).
Boy Examples: Scotland, Denmark.
Exceptions: There are a lot of exceptions. One of my sorority sisters is named Britain and I think that’s delightful. Someone else I know is named Sicily. But don’t call them Zimbabwe or Seattle or something, cuz that just sounds weird…and sounds like you’ve decided any word that exists can be a name.
3. Don’t turn your girl-child into a stripper. You shouldn’t be allowed to name your kid Chastity, because even if she’s the most chaste girl in the world, everyone will think she’s a dirty tramp.
Girl Examples: Verity, Charity, Trinity, Cinnamon (fun fact: I had a hamster named Cinnamon. Yep, just ruined it for you).
Boy Examples: Well, don’t name your boy after a girl stripper, cuz that’s just wrong. And don’t name him Magic Mike.
Exceptions: There are no exceptions.
4. Don’t go all Gwyneth Paltrow on your kid.
Girl Examples: Apple, Orange, Banana, Pear, Peanut, Flute, Lute…the list goes on.
Boy Examples: Rocket, Explosive, Banjo, Guitar, Picolo.
Exceptions: If Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t like it, you can use it.
5. You are not a flower child, and neither is your one-second-old baby.
Girl Examples: Wind, Flower, Breeze, Whisper, Peace, Love, Mist.
Boy Example: Random, Earth, Strength, Virility, Rain.
Exceptions: Skye might be acceptable, but only if they grow up to be super awesome.
6. Never, EVER, name your child after where they were conceived. Ever.
I met a girl named Kastle once and she said it was because right before she was born her parents went to this Italian castle and stayed there and loved it…I guarantee they did the don’t in there and she is the product of their sordid night on a bed made of stone. Don’t do it.
On another note, don’t tell your kid where they were conceived.
7. After I’ve said all this, try not to name your kid the same thing as everyone else they’ll grow up with. It’s annoying growing up and being known as “Morgan F” because there are 5 other Morgans in your class. I’m not going to give examples, because they’re so obvious. Also, I feel like I’m going to offend everyone I know if I do.
Of course, there are a million exceptions and I’m a jerk about names, but a great rule of thumb is DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD ANYTHING SARAH PALIN WOULD NAME HERS. Except Piper, cuz that’s cute.