Effective Techniques for Dumping an Un-Boyfriend

We’ve all had one. You’re not sure where you stand; does he really like your butt, or is this a booty call? Or does he want to hardcore define the relationship?

1. Ignore him. He texts you? Ignore. He calls you? Ignore. You see him in person? Turn around. (Or use my preferred method and hide behind a tree…make sure it’s a stationary object and not a car, cuz once that car drives away you’re screwed.)

2. Beginners can start out with the Minimal Effort Response. He elaborates in detail about how his day was and how it made him feel? You say, “Nice.”
Basically, respond with “cool,” “nice,” “sweet,” “okay,” and other similar vocabulary. If possible, shorten the words (okay = k).

3. Bro out. Overuse the hang-loose hand gesture. Call him buddy and slap him on the back a lot. Offer to spot him while he’s benching.

4. Conversely, casually mention how attractive you find his friend…over…and over…and over.
Set him up with someone else. “Hey, wanna go on a date? …With my friend?”  Tell him he’s perfect…for your sorority sister.
Warning: This may result in him saying, “Yeah, your friend’s pretty, but you’re beautiful” or other similar responses. If this happens…

5. Turn the cling on. Emoticon usage must increase by at least 95%. Winky faces are preferred.
When he asks how your day was, say, “Good, but it would’ve been better if you’d been by my side.” This is also an appropriate response when he asks how your classes were, how your dinner was, how the gym was, and especially how you slept.
Keep him up to date with your emotions. Don’t just tell him how dinner was, tell him how it made you feel. Tell him exactly how long you cried when you failed that test.
Keep him up to date with your menstrual cycle. Tell him you are bleeding, and word it exactly like that. Use medical terminology like “menstruating” and “uterus” liberally.
Ask him if you can keep a drawer at his house. Leave your toothbrush in his bathroom even when you’ve never spent the night.
Tell him you want a baby, and you hope it has his eyes.

6. Actually man up and tell him that you don’t like him. But really, who’s gonna do that?

Props to my gal pal Courtney for helping me out with this! Check her out here.

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14 thoughts on “Effective Techniques for Dumping an Un-Boyfriend

  1. I recommend telling him not only that you are on your period, but to also include graphic details such as ‘heavy’ and ‘uncontrolled’ alongside specific liter amounts. He may immediately dial 911, but the fine for unnecessarily calling will be completely offset by the removal of all attraction towards you.

  2. hilarious list! those poor shmucks you’ve broken it off with in the unballsy ways :P
    don’t forget the love fern – if you’re going to be clingy, you’d better have him convinced you’re going to ‘accidentally’ get pregnant any day now, with or without his consent or actual involvement… anything cutesy that you’d expect him to have on him at any moment that would ruin his rep as a guy, too. “What do you mean, you don’t have the giant pink carebear I bought you here… at the gym… don’t you love him? He represents our CHILD”

  3. Pingback: Sam’s Friday Top 5: Other Posts By Freshly Pressed Bloggers | Sam's Online Journal

  4. LOL Love it! I have an ex that, well, it’s a long story… anyway, every few weeks he sends me a message apologizing for bugging me and asking how I am. If I respond with fine, how’s such and such (insert town name or his daughter’s name), his response is, it’s such and such a town, or she is fine. End of conversation. It’s totally 100% pointless. Next time I am going to ignore it totally.

  5. Also consider:

    talking obsessively and at length about your ex-boyfriend, finding any and every excuse to bring him up. Advanced students may wish to draw (ambiguous) comparisons between the ex and the noob (post-coital: ‘that’s not how he used to do it, but I’m sure I’ll get used to your way, too.’)

    burp, fart, discuss your bowel movements in detail, especially in front of his friends and family – you hate it when men do it, men are even more oversensitive when the tables are turned. Here’s a good one: walk into a room with him and some others and say something like ‘Phew! You do not want to go in there for a while – one of the top five shits of my life!’ He might respond in kind, but in an arms war of grossness you have a major advantage: he’s been conditioned from birth to think you’re all fragrant, nice sweet things.

    Leave wedding magazines lying around where he’ll see them, prefereably with rings round venues etc, and with notes written in the margins. Change your ringtone to the wedding march. This is dangerous because he might be really into you and propose, in which case burst into tears of gratitude and tell him you love him for how sensitive he is – that he’s so giving and such a good listener that he’s BASICALLY A WOMAN. Then give him a proposed wedding budget that costs more than his house.

    If that doesn’t work out at least you’ll have the mother of all weddings.

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