Welcome, newly baked muffins! (Before you think that was a drug reference, it wasn’t! It was a food reference, which is much more my style!) I’m so glad to have you all here, mostly because you’re my only friends and I’ve gained 200 more of you.
I’m kidding. I think…
Anyway, hi, and thank you for liking my nonsense! I would like to
initiate you into my cult welcome you by telling you a few things about myself.
1. I accidentally put shampoo on my face in the shower about once a week. I know it sounds ridiculous, but showers are distracting, y’all! There is water shooting toward my head at all times, and that just feels dangerous.
2. When I was 12, I wanted to be Harriet the Spy, so I would get dressed up in my brown corduroys and green jacket (for maximum camouflage effect) and hide in the bushes and spy on my neighbors. Keep in mind that I lived on 8.5 acres of field, so my neighbors weren’t too easy to spy on. Once, I’m pretty sure someone drove by and saw me hiding in the bushes, so that’s awkward. I wasn’t a very good spy.
3. Speaking of, I wrote a love note to my neighbor friend (he was a year older than me) when I was six and stuck it in his mailbox. I think it said, “Thank you for being nice to me. I love you. Don’t tell anyone.” It’s very possible that I didn’t even sign it. It was on a little yellow post-it.
On the plus side, I don’t think he ever told anyone.
4. In Fall 2011 I lived in a co-ed apartment-style dorm, so I had two guys as neighbors. We entered our rooms from the outside, and by October it got pretty cold and rainy, so I would run from class to my room and didn’t particularly like to hang out in the cold. Anyway, my neighbor Thomas would talk on the phone for at least 2 hours daily and stand right outside my window, occasionally looking in and staring like I couldn’t see him. We called him Telephone Thomas because alliteration is awesome, and I thank baby Jesus every day that I don’t live there anymore. Also, who was he even talking to?
5. My suitemate in that same dorm used to wear vampire fangs and cat eye contacts. To class.
Her boyfriend’s name was Christof, and he used to stay with her all the time and use our bathroom and not flush the toilet and hang out in our changing area and talk to me when I’d get out of the shower with my towel on and stuff. So that wasn’t creepy at all.
While we’re talking about that dorm, there was a thong hanging off a tree branch right outside my window for that entire quarter. I hope whoever lost their underwear that way at least had a good time doing it.
6. One time a homeless man slapped his butt at me in Seattle. Cool, huh?
7. In middle school, I was talking to the principal and ran into a wall. Not head on…no, I was just walking along and since I can’t walk like a normal person, I sort of just veered into the wall and hit my head.
I think that’s all you need to know for now. So what have we learned? I’m clumsy, creepy, and have lived with a lot of weirdos.