I should start this by saying that I was 6 at the time, so please refrain from worrying that I struggle daily to put my pants on. Okay, actually, you might want to worry, because I basically fall down every day putting them on. Tights are a different, even more horrifying, story (nobody has ever looked attractive putting tights on. Ever.) So, moving along…
I was absolutely infatuated with this boy, Peter, who was in my class when I was 6. It was a 1st and 2nd grade combo class, so he was older than me (ooooh, he was 7, what a stud) and smart and tall and apparently quite the hunk. So every day I would try to get him to notice me, but I’m pretty sure he never did, until the day that would forever be known as the Pant Debacle of 2000.
I was standing in the back of the classroom, about to wash my hands for something (they made us wash our snotty little hands a lot back then) when Peter came up behind me and said, “Your pants are on backwards.” And then he looked at me for a couple seconds and walked away. I’m pretty sure I’d turned bright red and practically peed myself (which wouldn’t have helped the pants situation), then ran into the bathroom.
Guys, I was wearing jeans. With a zipper. AND A BUTTON. AND A ZIPPER. GUYS!!!! How did I do that? I have a few hypotheses:
1. Aliens dressed me that morning and, because of their unfamiliarity with human clothing, thought that was how they went.
2. I somehow slipped them on backwards without undoing the button or zipper. Except I have never done that in my entire life. Also, I don’t think my mom buttoned my pants when she folded them.
3. I am a contortionist.
4. I am insane.
I am writing #2 off as completely impossible and going for number 4, but still…this is a serious issue and I need answers, fast. I’m considering hypnotherapy so that I can delve into the depths of my brain and understand what occurred on that terrible day.
Oh, and needless to say, Peter and I never fell in love. Although I did mail him a love note with a million frog stickers all over the outside of it and told him never to tell anyone that I loved him. I apparently did that a lot as a child.