And Sean Cried…

Hopefully you guys don’t mind my rants about The Bachelor, cuz heeere comes another one! I just finished watching the most recent episode online and I shall summarize it for y’all in case you don’t follow the nonsense that is The Bachelor.

Sean goes to the hometowns of the 4 remaining girls and meets their families:

He meets AshLee’s parents and she cries and tells them that she loves him and it’s weird and they’re all drinking sweet tea. Sean is probably wearing some sort of weird sweater and too much gel in his hair.

Sean then goes to the army base that Lindsay’s family lives on and she pretends to be his drill sergeant. She yells “straighten up” and “get it together!” a lot, and she slaps his butt more than necessary.

He goes to Seattle (woot woot!) with Catherine and tosses fish (lucky bastard) at Pike’s Place, then meets her family. Her sisters tell him Catherine’s messy and Sean looks entirely too constipated the whole time.

Then Des makes dinner with him at her house and he meets her brother, who basically calls him out for being on a show with 25 women and sweet-talking them all. Then Sean leaves with a wedgie and Des is embarrassed, crying the next night to him during the rose ceremony. Chris, the host of the show, stands awkwardly in the background. I think.

Sean sends Des home (after awkwardly looking at her picture a lot in some other room), because her brother has found him out! Also, because he is a vampire. I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but it’s obviously important.

And here’s what I predict happened next:

Sean went back to the picture room, picked up Des’ photo, and caressed the small image of her face. A single tear slid down his cheek.

“No, Sean,” he muttered to himself. “You won’t do this. You won’t be weak.” He paced the room a little, the picture still in his shaking hand, and finally, when he could stand it no longer, he ran outside and chased after the limo, but it was too late. He’d sent her on her way and he’d never see her again. The picture fell from his hand, the glass from the frame shattering on the asphalt. He walked back to the house; someone from the crew would clean up the broken glass, but no one could fix his splintered heart.

No one but Des, and she was long gone.

Chris was waiting for him in the picture room when he returned, and they shared a long, silent embrace. Chris patted Sean’s back, noting how muscular it was. As they hugged, he let his hand wander downward, finally allowing it to rest on the small of Sean’s back. Sean flinched a little, but realized it didn’t feel that weird, so he let it happen. After a moment, he pulled away slightly, meeting Chris’ gaze.

As they slowly leaned toward each other, eyes locked, Sean’s thoughts — and heart — raced. “What’s happening?” he thought. “He’s my bro. But…he’s somehow more.” So Sean let it happen. He let it happen so good, and when their lips finally met, electricity shooting up his spine, he realized that maybe it wasn’t Des he’d been looking for. Maybe it had been Chris all along.

Chris, who had been there for him when Tierra was a crazy mofo. Chris, who knew how to count roses (“There’s one rose left, ladies”). Chris, who kissed better than any of these pansy-ass girls could.


8 thoughts on “And Sean Cried…

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  1. I sincerely find this to be some of your best writing! Very Lawson-esque if you will. “He’s my bro..But he’s somehow more”.

  2. I deliver the roses to The Bachelor set each week. Last week, I stayed a little longer than normal to add some extra thorns to AshLee’s rose (it helps make her cry) and was in the room when Sean came back to look at the pictures. I can honestly say it all transpired exactly as you described. The kiss was awkward, for me at least…

  3. i don’t know why it’s important, but it just is. you forgot to mention that Catherine straddled the pig at Pike Place Market. that bugged me, and i wanted her to go home just for that. Poor Pig.

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