Polite Raps

I just wanna respect you, girl. You're lovely.
I just wanna respect you, girl. You’re lovely.

If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son. But seriously if you ever need me I’m always here, and I truly care about you as a friend. You deserve a wonderful woman.

So what you wanna do? Shit, I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too. We’d like to practice safe sex because the transmission of STIs in this country is a huge problem. Also, we respect you as women and would like to make sure that we don’t get you pregnant. You’re beautiful.

I’m gonna knock you out, Mama said knock you out! But then I’ll revive you with smelling salts and give you a steak for your black eye, because we’re just in a boxing gym and that’s what we’re supposed to do. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person. Also, my Mom didn’t say to “knock you out,” she said you’re a knockout because you’re so handsome. So just know that. You’re very handsome.

You know it’s hard out here for a pimp, when he’s tryin’ to get this money for the rent. But what’s harder is making sure that I keep my prostitutes STI-free and safe from harm. Also, I’m trying to make money so that I can get out of this lifestyle and save a few prostitutes while I’m at it.

Right now I’m on the edge, so don’t push me. I aim straight for your head, so don’t push me. Fill your ass up with lead, so don’t push me. Just kidding. Let’s resolve this dispute like grown men. I’m pretty upset with you right now, so we need to have a serious discussion about how you’re disrespecting me. Maybe we should go to a psychologist together. I hear group counseling can be very beneficial.

The cops can’t stand me, but they can’t touch me. Except if they have just cause, in which case I will cooperate and respect their authority. I’m so glad we have such an amazing justice system in this country, and I know that they’re just doing their jobs when they apprehend me for doing bad things. Go cops! You rule!


10 thoughts on “Polite Raps

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  1. This is a pretty good idea. You can never think too much about rap music. By the way, have you seen the Epic Rap Battles of History on Youtube? Historical figure rapping at each other. Hilarious!

  2. yes, there is definitely a limit to the amount one could/should think about rap music. as a matter of fact, this is the most i have thought about it…. ever. but i love the post, and while i have never heard of any of these songs (except the “mama’s gonna knock you out” lyric, but not the whole song), i am 100% positive that i like your versions much more than i would have liked the originals. you should submit some lyrics to the artists, i think they might hire you… if they didn’t, they would be stupid. hmmm… never mind.

  3. This was really cool. I’m not going to lie, I listen to tons of rap and hip-hop (along with other lame genres), but every once in a while, I ask myself, “did he really just say that?” My mom would probably “knock me out” if she heard what comes through my speakers, but this post was pretty awesome.

    1. Hahaha I’m so glad you noticed it! I change the web address of a lot of my posts to weird stuff, and I tag a lot of random things…if you search you’d find it haha :)

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