Are You Single or What?!

Im_Single_display_copyThe world needs to be clearly labeled so I don’t make a fool of myself. For example, I’d appreciate if, when I was lost as a driver, I could pop up a sign that says, “I’m not from around here, so I will be driving weirdly for the next few blocks. Please don’t road rage at me.”

More importantly, though (let’s be real, it doesn’t matter if I get critically injured in a road rage incident, because I don’t even have a boyfriend), I would love if men could wear signs that say, “I am single” / “I am SO NOT SINGLE” / “I am single but I find you repulsive.” So much less confusion would ensue. I don’t do subtlety well at all, so I kinda need to be conked over the head with romance (which, in itself is supposed to be subtle…basically, I don’t do well with romance).

Also, I could then let people know that I am not asexual, I’m just constantly uncomfortable and kinda weird. It’d go something like this:

“Hello, I am a single lady, please take my hand and try to woo me. But please, do not send me pictures of your genitals or your biceps, because I do not want them and you need to keep that to yourself. Take me out for a nice dinner and tell me I’m funny. Laugh at my jokes. Laugh at more of my jokes. Laugh when I do something awkward/stupid. Kiss me goodnight. Don’t rest your tongue in my mouth. Thank you.”

And I’d be looking for a nice, tall boy who had a nice sense of style (seriously, boys, learn how to dress yourselves) whose sign said:

“I am a single fella. Sometimes I say fella as a joke because I’m super hilarious. I like thinking about things, and I don’t say “that’s gay” or “that’s retarded” because I’m sensitive…but not so sensitive that I’ll cry when I’m stressed or if you accidentally offend me. I’ll laugh at your jokes, even the ones that make no sense, because I’ll understand them. I don’t have a habit of doing weird things with my tongue when I kiss girls goodnight.”

And that is how the world would go ’round. Wouldn’t life be easier?

31 thoughts on “Are You Single or What?!

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  1. If a guys is interested in talking to you and is attentive, if he is flirting with you, then he is most likely single. Of course, there are perverts who do that even when they are married but those are the exceptions that prove the rule. If a guy is single and interested in you, you will find him looking at you for more than once, longer than it is considered to be polite and he will probably smile, approach you and try to talk to you. If he is not doing any of that, then he is either not single or not interested.

    Having said that, I am always smiling, polite and talkative to strangers so that gets me always in trouble because guys often think that I am hitting on them!

  2. Wow, this was perfectly said! So many things would be so much better if everyone had a sign. What about those married people who flirt voraciously? “I am married but I flirt a lot with my friends. If you’re cool with that let’s be friends and not kiss goodnight.”

    1. That’s ME, totally me…I need that sign, could someone print it out please?! And Cappy you’re pure AWESOMENESS ;) – that could work as a sign as well, let’s buy a label-machine and put stickers on our foreheads!!!

    2. You, sir, are a genius. Yes please. I might need one that says “I’m a nice lady, so just because I smile at you does not mean I want you to sniff my hair and/or stalk me”

  3. Since I’m married and would like to stay it, I’m not that interested in those latter signs.

    But, I have to commute, so I often thought about signs to help me get through the traffic. Like: “I know, the limit says 80 km/h, but I still want to drive 120 km/h, so please leave the fast lane.” That might be quite difficult to read, but a simple sign, presenting just the intended driving speed, would really be nice. Now I have to show them on other ways which isn’t the most secure thing.

  4. I agree!! That would make life 10000000000000000000000000 times easier!!!!! I don’t do subtlety at all either. Or other people’s sarcasm….. It confuses me……

    And I love your signs!!

  5. I love this idea, but I think mine would be a list of about 50,000 things I was bitter about and people would steer clear. Maybe that would be a good thing after all. People wouldn’t bother me!

  6. OMG they should totally wear signs! But then I’d also need a sign that told me if/when they were flirting with me. I don’t usually figure it out until afterwards when someone tells me why the weird dude was awkwardly talking to me about mint jelly (true story).

  7. Isn’t that what FB is for? :) But yes, life would be so much easier. It’s hard being single. At least girls get wooed; it’s up to us twits to do the wooing.. Unless you live in Canada I’ve heard.

      1. Canada is the best place for so many reasons.. One of my best friends moved there, they speak both English and French, which makes it feel like home and you can do some brilliant rock climbing and moutaineering just by stepping outside… and yes, you get wooed instead of having to do the wooing.

  8. I totally agree. I don;t like it when guys waddle around with their pants down to their knees and their neon shoes and weird striped hoodies that they wear everyday. Or those guys that wear socks and jordan sandal thingies with huge bball shorts and sports shirts that are so long, they could count as a miniskirt. Sheesh.

  9. Although I’m all for meeting lovers through serendipity and happenstance, most people have a relationship status on their facebook. As I’m sure you’re aware. Basically, stop whining and ease up. If you’re going to get mad every time someone tries to make out with you after a date you won’t have a lot of luck.

    Sincerely, anonymous.

  10. I don’t see any problem at all with people having signs on. Maybe make them digital so they can change them for separate social interactions. Maybe even wire them into people’s brains so they can’t lie about what’s on their sign.

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