In 2004, a male pair of chinstrap penguins hatched an egg they had been given to incubate at the Central Park Zoo. They adopted a baby, y’all! They helped that little penguito hatch like proper parents! Since then, at least 20 homosexual penguins have been recorded in Japan, and….well, basically, without giving you a list of all of them, there have been quite a few instances of homosexual penguins at zoos. And probably in the wild, but Wikipedia isn’t exactly that great of a resource.
But here’s a question that just begs to be asked: Have you seen any gay penguins get married? No. They’re all dressed up in their tuxes, practically begging for a classy wedding, and what do we do? We call them “life partners,” say they’re cute, but we don’t give them the rights they deserve. We don’t let them squawk their vows before an arctic fox priest says, “You may now peck the bride/groom/penguin.” We don’t let them have a reception and throw bouquets at other macaroni penguins, or cut the cake with their short little wing-flipper things.
Until Buddy and Pedro can tie the knot and waddle down the aisle together, I will remain unmarried. I won’t do it until the gay penguins can.
“But Cappy,” you ask, “is this just your excuse for dying sad and alone surrounded by 12 cats?” Yes, dear muffins, it is. It is mostly an excuse because I live in a house full of girls and don’t tend to meet the fellas too much. But it is also a fight for penguin marriage equality!
I urge you to follow in my footsteps. Do it for Mac and Roni, the macaroni penguins who just want to show the world their love. Do it for America. Do it for equality! DO IT FOR CUTE LITTLE TUXEDOED BIRDS EVERYWHERE!
Special thanks to my Clean Sister Alaina for being the first one to shout, “NOT UNTIL THE PENGUINS CAN!”