Separate but Equal: A Gym Doctrine

First of all, I am super stoked that I hit 1,000 subscribers today, my little muffins! So thanks for reading and loving me (or hate-reading my blog, though I don’t know if that’s a thing…) and making my life that little bit better. Moving on…

I  gained a million few pounds in the last two years. It’s not a huge deal, except that I can’t fit into any of my pants. Or shirts. Or coats. Basically, I can’t fit into my clothes anymore, and it’s a really depressing feeling. I have shed many a tear over favorite dresses that can no longer squeeze themselves over my now-large lady bits. When I say lady bits, I mean my boobs, y’all, not my nether regions. Calm down.

Anyway, since I got home from school two weeks ago, I have started eating really well (so much salad, so little time) and going to the gym 6 days a week. Remember, weeks are 7 days long, so that’s pretty impressive for a person who barely likes doing a sit up at home, let alone in a crowded gym. I am seriously committed to losing what Sarah Millican so rightly called the “cake shelf” because it’s “where I store my cakes.”

I have lost 7 lbs already, y’all. That is what the British would call “half a stone.” So I’m doin’ it, ladies and gentlemen. Doin’ it good. But. I hate the gym. So. Much.

How is my lumpy self supposed to work out when Wonder Woman is running at 100 mph next to me on the tread mill? As I hoof along, she’s practically flying on wings of glory, making me look like a sad sack of sweaty potatoes, and it’s a bit difficult to concentrate when you 1) can’t breathe and 2) now hate yourself and everyone else in the gym. Also, what’s with people wearing so much makeup to the gym? I look like a 15 year old boy, and my hair is all nasty, because that’s what you should look like at the gym. I’m not gonna put on makeup at 9 in the morning just so I can sweat it into my eyes. Besides, I’ll have to shower afterward anyway, because really, nobody wants to smell this after 45 minutes of elliptical/weights/abs madness. Plus, everyone at the gym judges you when you don’t look perfect, but…am I supposed to work out before my workout so I can be fit as a fiddle and look perfect at the gym? I thought that would be defeating the purpose…

With all this in mind, I’d like to propose separate gyms for different body types. Short, tiny, skinny people who used to be gymnasts can go to one gym, where all the equipment is miniature. Bros who want to work on their pecs and have their nipples pierced (it’s a thing, guys, I saw it with my own eyes and now I can never go back) can go to another gym, where the walls are covered with mirrors so they can look at themselves while they “get swoll.” And those of us who are going to the gym because we need to can have our own gym. There would be no Food Network shows playing, because I don’t need to see some lady with too-white teeth bake a cake I’ll never be able to eat while I sweat out of my eyes on a stationary bike. There would also only be one mirror, and that mirror would be in the weight room so you can make sure your form is right. Otherwise, no mirrors. I cannot be motivated when I look into the mirror and instantly want to cry.

Also, and this might be the most important part, all the guys working behind the front desk would be specifically attracted to women of a curvier persuasion. And they’d all be gorgeous, and I wouldn’t feel weird walking in and talking to them because I would know they wanted to take my hand and by my husband.

Take notes, gym CEOs everywhere. This is the next big thing.

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15 thoughts on “Separate but Equal: A Gym Doctrine

  1. Hi cappy, I think you should be proud of yourself and stop worrying about other people at the gym. We all have been there and got over the first shock of joining the gym. Those people with makeup and those bulk up guys go to a gym to hook up, not to actually exercise. Just ignore them. I got so used to doing my own thing, focusing on my routine, that I do not notice anyone else at a gym anymore. And if you worry about the mirrors and your figure, remember that most of people who go to the gym do the same. And they see flaws of their own more than pay attetion to someone else’s.

    • I wrote a long comment in reply but I guess it didn’t post :( I can’t remember the whole thing haha, but the gist was that I really appreciated the advice and you’re most likely right! And I’ve gotten pretty good at just focusing on myself, but sometimes I just want to scream in the middle of the gym!
      But cheers, and you’re a wise woman :)

  2. I feel ya. I hated going to gym at my university last semester because I inevitably ended up next to some six foot tall volleyball player who also could have been a bikini model. I would try to run and keep up with her…until I remembered that I can’t run. Then I would just look stupid, because I would have to walk for awhile to catch my breath. So there I am, short and (very) curvy, sweating like a pig and panting like a dog, as I walked next to a tall, skinny girl running like it’s the zombie apocalypse without even breaking a sweat.
    So I decided that I liked my body the way it was, and I didn’t need to go to the gym anyway. (For some reason the motivation by comparison thing doesn’t work on me the way it does on most people. I prefer to think that’s a good thing.)

    • Hahaha well I completely understand that, I don’t do well comparing myself to other (incredibly fit) people, or even comparing myself to what I was a few years ago, cuz I was soooo skinny. So now I just work every day and pretend I’m in a little bubble and nobody can judge me because it doesn’t matter!
      But if you really wanna lose weight or anything, I think it all starts with a better diet, anyway, so the gym could wait for a bit if you want :)

    • Hi hbmfl24, if that helps, if I don’t leave a gym until I am completely sweaty from the head to toes, I don’t feel like I exercised at all. When I start feeling sweat rolling down my back, it makes me so happy because I know that my body is working out I know that my body is getting stronger, fitter, healther. Don’t give up. The beginning is always very very hard. But it can only get better. And I went from the overweight to skinny by exercising and I still sweat a lot. It is completely normal and it is a proof that you worked out. And yes, you should love your body for what it is but do not compare yourself to others. Who cares about other people? You don’t know their genetics, health history, life. That girl could have been an olympics gymnast for god sake! She could have been in sports 5 hours every day since age 5. Maybe she never ate chocolate in her life (poor her! :)))

      • haha thanks for the advice guys :)
        I think I’m gonna start Zumba, actually, cause, hey, why run when you can dance? Sounds much more fun to me!

  3. I always get really inspired by the super-fit people. I feel you on the mirrors though. You know where I hate mirrors the most? In group classes. I took a zumba class for a while that had mirrors on three walls. It was just way too much truth looking me in the face. Everyone says how much they love zumba, but I now associate it with deep self-loathing that I had never experienced before or since.

  4. Keep at it, andCrazy Chess Girl is right about it. You have athletic experience since little-kid-hood, so it gets cumulative when you go a bit longer/sweatier.–Doogie

  5. First of all, CONGRATS!!!!

    Second of all, I do pilates and yoga on DVD from the comfort of my living room. Cuts down all the comparisons, except, now that I think about it, the pilates instructor in the video looks WAY better than me.

  6. Don’t compare yourself to others; it’s both pointless and endless. Who knows Wonder Woman might have some other issues as well. Maybe her relation with Superman is not going so well, she might have a serious rash problem underneath her costume.. What I’ m trying to say is, be you. The world is ready for your awesomeness! And with the president elections coming up in few years, it’s time for you to get ready!

    But why go to the gym at all? Go outside where the action is! People aren’t lab rats; we’re not made to be running on treadmills. You know there’s a reason why they put up teles in the gym. It’s because what you’re doing is so bloody boring that you need to be able to watch something to take your mind off. Go outside, meet nice outdoor people and their dogs. Run past the market and buy some fresh products, go mountainbiking, rock climbing.. Do all the things that invite you to do more and you’ll meet other nice people who will support you and think alike… But don’t spend your spare time riding a stationary bike, inhaling other people’s sweaty odour. Life is happening outside, and you don’t need teles to keep it interesting :)

    Take care, Caps, and hang in there.

  7. Again one of those posts that could have been written by my wife, if she had the talent to do so. Don’t feel sorry for her, she has a lot of other talents… Great post,

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