Wave Your Tampon in the Air If You’re With Me

Look. I just read this post over at Firework in Stilettos and it got me thinking. Thinking about obnoxious people protesting outside Planned Parenthood when they could be devoting their time to volunteering at Big Brothers Big Sisters or something, if they really want to save the youth of tomorrow. Thinking about how annoying it is that everyone assumes your legs are always open if you take birth control. How people think that having your legs open all the time is really that bad…if you want to have sex and you’re being safe and responsible, by all means, open your legs up and go for it.

But mostly, strangely enough, it got me because of one line that Kat wrote:

The nurse hands me my pills and as per Planned Parenthood protocol, she places them into a small brown paper bag.  They’re already in a protective plastic blister back, a blue plastic envelope and a foil wrapper, but they (like tampons, maxi pads and most things associated with the female reproductive system) have to be hidden.

And that, right there, caused an epiphany the likes of which I have never before experienced. I’m awkward about my period.

Sure, I’ve blogged about cramps before, and sure, I’ve mentioned it to guys (my ex-boyfriend used to visibly cringe whenever I said anything about my period, as if he would “catch” my heavy flow by simply hearing the word “cramp” or “period” or…time of the month, honestly). But why are we so private about something literally every woman experiences? It isn’t like an STI, where you maybe did something risky or irresponsible and got infected. My period happened when I was in 7th grade, and it happened to millions of women before and millions since.

Since you asked, the day I got my period sucked. It was Easter morning, and all of a sudden whazam! (that’s the new *I got my period* word) there it was.

You’ve probably heard this before — or maybe not, since apparently we just don’t talk about these things in polite society, Cappy — but girls wait and wait and wait to get their periods. We rush to the bathroom in the middle of math because we think it happened, but it didn’t, and we’re secretly dismayed. And then it’s real. It actually happens, right before you have to put your Easter dress on and sit through two hours of church, and you suddenly hate your period with the passion only a hormonal pre-teen can possess.

I had that.

I had to wear a pad, y’all. And it was not small…they call them maxi-pads for a reason. I basically wore a diaper to church. I was 12 years old and wearing a big ole diaper in the house of God, singing songs about how He Is Risen but the whole time I wanted Him To Smite Me so I could be Done-zo With Periods.

And now, my period is something that just happens. For a while, it was debilitating, and I couldn’t get out of bed half the time, so I’m on birth control. For my period, not that it’s any of your business. But in case you think it is, I’ll indulge you. It’s for my period. And I wear tampons now because let’s be real, I do not need diapers and I definitely don’t need a pillow in my undies.

Y’all can deal with my lady parts, and you will like it! Or at the very least, you can keep your complaints to yourselves. Wave your tampons in the air if you’re with me!

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17 thoughts on “Wave Your Tampon in the Air If You’re With Me

  1. -waves a tampon-
    I wrote a post not too long ago about how to name your lady parts. Probably made a couple of males cringe the fuck out, oh well! Vaginas need names too!

  2. I have always hated my period too. Now that I’m in my late 40’s I’m like, enough already – shrivel up and leave me alone!

  3. I was so mentally exhausted one morning when I started my period that I carried a box of tampons in my hand from the parking garage into work. I walked for about 15 minutes, passing about 12 people on the way. I did not even realize it until I got to my office. No one said anything. I really liked your second sentence. Stop whining and do something positive to help people!

  4. I was at the supermarket the other day and saw that tampax or kotex or some other tampon brand now offers “sparkle tampons.” I didn’t fully investigate, but they seem to be along the lines of, hide these shameful things in cute packaging so if they fall out of your purse, it won’t be so shockingly embarrassing. I know it’s a big company just trying to sell stuff, but what you’ve written covers what those sparkle tampons made me feel – why are we so embarrassed by a basically universal experience that we need to hide it in glitter?

  5. I am gonna have to wave my ultra thin, extra long pad with wings and memory foam here, cuz I HATE tampons…. But I am totally with you. This red tent tradition of hiding anything to do with female reproduction must go! And I am all for naming your vagine…. Yes, I call it a vagine. It rhymes with bean. But I think it sounds fancy.

  6. i am going to have to wave my ultra-thin, extra long pad with wings and memory foam here, because i HATE tampons, but i totally agree with your sentiment. it’s time to take our lady parts out of the closet. if a man can proudly have a condom shaped imprint in his wallet, why the hell can’t we have a wee colourful poon package peeking out of the coin pocket of our jeans? why do i, a 42 year old woman, have to try to covertly take one of the brightly coloured pads out of my purse and slide it into my back pocket on the way to the washroom? and yes, i think each vagine (rymes with bean) should get a name of it’s own… i am tired of the only names under the covers being those like “Mr. Happy”, or “Roderick” or “Dr. Feelgood”.

  7. Maybe I can’t say this (and it seems like I’m the only bloke responding to this post, so I’m a bit scared.. :s ), but I think it’s a bit of an American thing as well. I mean, here nobody makes such a big fuss about it. You see guys buying tampons for their girlfriends, nobody is hiding it or paying a lot of attention to it.

    But now that you’ve got me thinking about your lady parts, I probably won’t sleep at all :) With that blokes are same throughout the world.

  8. I think middle school girls are upset by their period not coming because it means they’re not growing up yet..but after horrible stories of the symptoms of, you know, PMS and stuff..i don’t get why girls are dissapointed.

  9. Pingback: True and Absolutely Inspiring | nealr25

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