AIRES: If you hesitate, you may be put in the driver’s seat. Impressively confusing and nonsensical. Also, why is driving a car the punishment for hesitation? Surely if your reflexes aren’t quick, your friends wouldn’t make you drive them around. That just sounds like an accident waiting to happen. Don’t leave anything to chance. Push the envelope to reveal news about your future. You tell that envelope you won’t have it hiding secrets about your future from you!
TAURUS: Collect your thoughts. Break away from the image others have of you. I take this to mean that I should become a transvestite or some sort of drag “king” if you will. I will also chop my legs off at the knees, as people’s image of me is “tall.” Your strong feelings on current topics may make you a little too subjective. That is universally true, but thank you for that…wisdom.
GEMINI: Your interest into the past may have piqued. Pretty sure the person who wrote this is the same man that wrote the Chinese instructions for assembling my office chair, because that is barely English. Family time should create strong bonds. It should, but it will probably just make you want to murder each other. Find ways to mend fences and create new friendships. Combine those two by mending your shambly fences with the people you want to be friends with.
CANCER: Family matters may be very demanding on you emotionally. Those episodes can get pretty crazy, especially when Urkel hikes his pants up a little too high and you’re like, whoa Steve, I like you, but I’m seeing too much in the trouser area. And when Mr. Winslow gets mad at Urkel…well, those are emotionally trying scenes for us all. Try your best to lessen the stress in your life by reducing your responsibilities at work. You know how you can do that? Quit your job.
LEO: All eyes may seem to be on you. Maybe. But then again, they may not. The eyes may be crossed…one eye might be lazy and looking a bit to the left. Look, at least one eye is on you. Probably. Your flair for the creative may tend to reveal how much you love what you do. May tend. Possibly. Ish. Your ability to overcome adversity will prevail. Adversity is hard. You go girl.
VIRGO: You might be able to improve your future by putting a few major tasks on hold. It’s all you, baby. You put those tasks on hold. Show those tasks who’s boss. Spend more time and energy into creating your own master plan. To rule the world!
LIBRA: Imagine your future and make it come true. Or stop imagining and actually get off your butt and do something. Realize that the time you invest could bring an amazing amount of satisfaction. Did that feel a little vague for you? Yeah, us too. Ok, well brace yourself. One of your closest pets may be gay. Do you have a penguin? It might be your penguin that’s gay. Otherwise, cat. Cats seem a bit gay.
SCORPIO: Your words can bring much joy if you put a positive spin on them. Really? I’d never noticed. Remember that any hint of negativity will only cause hurt feelings and broken dreams. Well that escalated quickly. Don’t. Break. The. Dreams.
SAGITTARIUS: You could receive kudos from colleagues who hold you in high esteem. You could, but you probably won’t, because you’re crap at your job. Also, no one gives kudos anymore. Welcome to 2013. Your immediate circle of friends may, in turn, be amazed by your success. They didn’t expect it either, because as I said before, you’re crap at your job.
CAPRICORN: Focusing on your deep emotions may tend to turn into a negative cycle. Looks like that Chinese man got laid off from his instruction writing job and is back at work on horoscopes. Put things into a better perspective and your vision could become much clearer. Or get glasses. I’ve heard that helps.
AQUARIUS: Time may be on your side. But probably not. So write your will, already, because time is ticking away. Express your opinions with a more optimistic outlook. This new-found tone could help relieve some of your tension. Just get a massage, for God’s sake.
PISCES: Don’t be hurt if someone doesn’t keep their part of the agreement. Just stick a horse’s head in their bed. It’ll all work out. Try to find a healthier balance for yourself by not expecting so much from others. Because people suck, and you just have to let them know that by cutting off their favorite horse’s head.
Please note that all the italicized words were from a real horoscope pamphlet my mom brought home today. You’re welcome, universe.