A Few Guarantees For My Wedding

I’m getting married, y’all!

Psych. I should probably actually talk to boys first. Well, actually, I should talk to men…but I’m easing my way up…I’m still shy around 10 year olds. Anyway, if I were to get married, here are a few things I can guarantee about the wedding.

1. There will be no tulle involved. None. A lady came into the fabric store I worked at and ordered 30 YARDS of tulle because she was making her wedding gown. And to that I say, no. No no no no no. One inch of tulle is too much.

2. No garters for you. Nobody needs to see my leg on my wedding night except my husband, and he will definitely not be removing a garter with his teeth (I saw that once and was very uncomfortable). People don’t wear garters anymore, guys.

3. I will mandate that everyone wears incredibly bright colors to my wedding. None of this taupe nonsense, please. We’re celebrating, and colors will be involved.

4. I will be allowed to make several awkward and not-funny jokes while at the altar. No one will laugh, and that’s ok. I will also probably trip as I walk down the aisle, and that’s ok too. My husband-to-be will also make awkward jokes, and I will laugh because I like awkward jokes, and then we will kiss in front of a bunch of people which is also technically super awkward.

5. I will not be bridezilla because this is not my day, this is just a day. A very happy day, of course, and I will be ecstatic, but I will not turn into The Hulk and murder people when I don’t get my way.

6. I will more than likely wear a red dress at the reception.

7. I will give a toast at my wedding because I like attention and also I have never given a toast and really want to.

8. You are required to dance. Also, there will be no soul music. Most likely there will be one or two Mark Knopfler songs for the slow ones, and after that if you’re not jitterbugging and/or limboing, you’re not welcome at my wedding anymore.

9. We will smoosh cake in each others faces, if only because I really want to know what that feels like.

10. I will drink champagne out of the bottle, because that is both classy and stupid which are the two words that I want to epitomize everything about my life.

You’re all invited. I’d like cookware for presents.

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15 thoughts on “A Few Guarantees For My Wedding

  1. I say neon colors throughout, awkward but truthful “I wouldn’t marry you if…” jokes at the alter, and whip cream pies to throw in each others faces. It will not be Circus Olay, but it will be a circus.

  2. Haha, I was thinking of a non-traditional dress myself. And yeah garters; what are they all about? I thought their only use was to carry a flask of alcohol.

  3. Champagne STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOTTLE! Hellz, yeah, Cappy! Also, YES to bright colours! My wedding dress is totally gonna be mostly lime green. Cuz I’m cool (and weird) like that. So excited about it!
    As for the music… Will there be dubstep?

  4. You’ve described my wedding, plus and minus a few things.
    There was no tulle. (I wore a dress made of jersey knit bedsheets.)
    The best awkward jokes at the altar were from my husband, who managed to work in the words “octopus” and “cephalopods” to his vows.
    After you talk to boys/men, I’m looking forward to the highlight reel. This sounds amazing.

  5. A bridezilla-less, bright colored, no tulle, awkward wedding where everyone potentially has dancing fever… sign me up!!! Cappy, I too need to start talking to men… maybe we could team up and become each others wing-woman?

  6. What about chiffon? ;P I love your wedding idea and I want to see it! You should be a party planner!Can I be the way-too-old flower girl?

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