Lightness

I feel particularly wonderful today. You know when you feel like there’s light inside you and you’re laying in a field of soft grass and…everything is sunlight? I have that. I have renewed hope in the world, and it feels like the universe is balanced, and I could do math homework for 10 hours and be okay with it.

I have so much to do next week. So many tests and papers and outreaches for my job, and it doesn’t matter. I’m. Not. Stressed. It’s not like “I’m avoiding doing the work I have to do,” its like “I don’t need to be stressed — I can do this.” How did this happen?

It’s that mantra I wrote about a few months ago: gobinda hari. Appreciate your successes, and understand that you have the strength to do what it takes to continue succeeding. How did I not always do this? I’ve accomplished a lot, bounced back from a lot, and truly felt what it is to be alive. I should’ve always appreciated this.

But “should’ve” isn’t necessary anymore. I had a beautiful talk with a friend yesterday and he said he doesn’t regret anything, any of his past “mistakes” because all of that forms who he is  today. It’s not a particularly novel thought, but it meant a lot to me. I’ve done dumb stuff, stuff that’s hurt myself and the people around me, but every moment is a new beginning, and we can always turn our lives around. Besides, it’s hard not to appreciate life when at one point you didn’t want to live. I don’t wish that anything in my life had gone differently. Sure, I wish I hadn’t been a jerk to that guy I dated in high school, or I wish I hadn’t yelled at my dad a few times, but we learn from everything we do. And every crappy thing will bring good someday, if we work for it.

What struck me most was this, though: My friend said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that we need to understand each others’ suffering because then we can truly understand and connect with each other. And that got me thinking: why do we hide our suffering from others? Shouldn’t we be more open with one another and show each other how we truly feel? Instead, we hide our true selves from the world because we’re embarrassed that we suffer.

News flash, y’all. We all suffer. Suffering sucks, duh, but if we all show it, the playing field is level. Sometimes I want to scream out my window, frustrated, and tell everyone to stop faking it! The world isn’t as beautiful and bright if you haven’t seen darkness. You can’t feel bliss without hurting first. I truly believe that the farther down life pulls you, the higher you’ll eventually climb.

So today I feel light, feel sun streaming out my every pore, because I feel like life is going to be amazing. Every day is a gift, and I’m going to treat it as such. Whenever darkness falls, I’ll know that (gobinda hari) I can pull myself toward the light again. I’ve found purpose, and I feel love, and there’s no way I’m letting this lightness go.